My husband has been on a journey of recovery from multiple addictions for many years. And I’ve been on that journey with him. We’ve tried to overcome these addictions through our own will, or by trying everything within our power to stop it. What we’ve learned is that for real recovery to happen you need to get to the end of yourself. You need to get to a place where you say, “I know I can’t do this by my own power or strength but I am going to go the distance anyway.”

I was thinking about all of this when I was reading John 11 earlier today. John 11:1-44 is all about Jesus’ friends Lazarus, Mary and Martha. In this passage Jesus receives word that his friend Lazarus is very ill. And as sick as Lazarus was, even to the point of death, Jesus chose not to go to him right away. This decision not to go really troubled Mary and Martha and I can relate with their struggle. In verses 21 and 32 both sisters tell Jesus that if he had come sooner their brother would not have died. As we have moved through the recovery process I have felt like Mary and Martha many times. In my distress I have cried out to God in anger, bitterness, frustration, and confusion. I have asked him “Where were you? Why weren’t you here with us? If you would have been here sooner you could have stopped this from happening to us.” In those times I have had to remind myself that Jesus is there all the time. He sees and he knows.

What’s been even more powerful and healing for me is knowing that, not only has he not abandoned us, he grieves over our situation with us. In verse 33 Jesus is upset when he sees Mary weeping. He is hurt by her pain. He has seen me weeping many, many times on this journey and he has counted every tear. In fact, when he sees the pain the we, his children, are in I believe that, just like in verse 35 he weeps too. God has never wanted a life of sin for any of us. And many of the choices that we have made for ourselves are not the choices that he wanted us to make. But when we make those bad decisions he is there with us, even if in our pain. Even when we can’t feel him. He knows, he sees, and he weeps.

I don’t know much about the movie Rocky but I do know that there is something to the idea that we need to come to the end of ourselves before we can see God do a life changing, life giving miracle in us. For Lazarus, he needed to experience death in order for others to see and experience the glory of God (v, 4, 40). I would say that the same has been true of our recovery journey. We have had to come to the end of ourselves before we could truly recover. My husband had to get to a place where he could abandon all of his own self will or self reliance and surrender completely to God. Like Lazarus, he had to have a death experience in order for God’s glory to be shown through him. Death to self, rebirth or recovery in Christ.

As I look back on our journey I can honestly say that none of it was fun. But I can also honestly say that all of this experience has been life giving. It’s not what I would have picked for myself but I am grateful for the experience. I have learned so much about myself, my past, my experiences, my family, and my faith. I’ve learned things that I don’t think I could have learned any other way.

As I read through this passage tonight I realized that John doesn’t tell us what Lazarus says when he comes out of the tomb after 4 days. I don’t think that he came out complaining. I can’t imagine that he said “Jesus, What is up with that? Where were you? Why did you let me die?” My bet is that he came out rejoicing and glorifying God. I think he was grateful for Jesus. Not grateful for the painful experience of death but grateful for the joyful experience of new life. I can relate to that too.

Share your thoughts and comments on John 11 or on having a death experience. Next I’ll be reading John 13 and 14.

I’m sarcastic. Very sarcastic. Now, I prefer to think of it as quick witted but at the end of the day you still need to call a spade a spade. So, while other people would read through John 1 and 2 and want to write deep reflections on omnipotency or divine power I am choosing to write about the calling of Nathanael. Why? Because it is proof that even snarky people like me can be called by Christ.

John 1:43-46

43The next day Jesus decided to leave Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, “Follow me.” 44Phillip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. 45Philip found Nathanael and told him, “We have found the one who Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote – Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.” 46″Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” Nathanael asked. “Come and see,” said Philip.

I love the tone of this passage probably because I can remember being a new believer and the excitement that I felt when I shared what I had found with others. I imagine Philip running up to Nathanael voice raised, full of energy, and talking a mile a minute. And what he gets is a less than enthusiastic response from a very unmoved, skeptical friend. Yeah, that would be me. I have been known to make snap judgements and I have judged several books by their covers. In fact, like Nathanael, I had made judgements about Jesus long before I decided to follow him. And as I have admitted many times on this blog, I still question God’s calling in my life even when his voice is loud and clear. You want me to do what? You want me to go where? Nothing good can come from that Jesus!

Here is what I learned from this passage: Even when I think that Jesus’ claims or direction are ridiculous or at best far fetched, I need to follow him. I need to trust his calling. Even though Nathanael was sarcastic and dismissive with his friend (a nazarene, ha!) he went to pursue him anyway. Nathanael obviously had very little faith in Philip’s claim that Jesus was the one Moses wrote about. But he did have enough faith to get up and go. Yeah, that’s me too. Sometimes, that’s all the faith I have. Just enough to get up from my chair (or out from under my fig tree) and see what he has for me. I think it measures about a tenth of a mustard seed.

And here is why (or one of the million reasons why) I desperately love my God. Even with my sometimes lazy, lack luster faith Jesus is available to me and is there when I decide to show up. In verse 47 he calls Nathanael “a true Israelite”, a son of Abraham, the benefactor of his great inheritance. And more than that he blesses him. In verse 51 Nathanael is told he will “see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.”  And he blesses me too. Despite my sometimes snarky attitude I have been witness to the miracles of God and my life has been a living testimony of his glory.

And that my friends, is what I call grace.

Tomorrow I’ll start reading John 3 and 4. Later this week my friend, Donny Pauling, will be guest posting his reflections on John 5. I can’t wait for you all to meet him!