I. Am. Sick.

And I love bread.

I wrote a post about a month ago for POTSC about the sin of being fat. The encouragement and support that I received was tremendous. I also just recently shared via Twitter that I am taking my weight back and have launched into a healthy eating regime complete with nutrition, exercise, and accountability. Again, tremendous support. So with that in mind, my first question in the “Tough Questions for Christians” series is:

Is gluttony a less serious sin than others? Or more to the point, is there an unwritten Christian point system for sin?

I recently saw this quote that Kelly Osbourne gave in a magazine interview about her post-Dancing With the Stars weight loss: “I took more hell for being fat than I did for being a raging drug addict.”

I can identify with what she’s saying. Being fat in the secular world is a major issue, especially for women. But I think that the opposite situation is happening in the church.

I talk a lot about addiction on this site and on my XXXChurch blog. One of the common themes is shame. I encounter people all the time who are afraid to share the truth about their addictions because they are ashamed of their sin. Even worse, they are afraid to share their struggles with people in the church for fear of how they will be treated. This is especially true if the addiction is related to sex or sexuality. It breaks my heart to read all of the emails and comments I receive about how much easier it is to keep hiding the addiction than to confess it to another person.

And, let’s face it… being secretly addicted to internet porn, or even worse in the unwritten point system, gay porn (gasp!) is way easier to hide than being 100 pounds overweight.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about sexuality. I was expressing my concern (I’m putting this very mildly) with the way in the church treats the GLBTG community. My argument is that I am obviously an unhealthy weight for my body and have struggled with my weight for many, many years. It is also obvious that I am actively engaged in the sin. Despite that, unlike many members of the GLBTG community, I have never been denied opportunities to serve in the church, or even to lead. And I have most certainly never been denied membership due to my weight, or told that I couldn’t become a member until I achieved a healthy BMI. While I truly appreciate the grace, I wonder if this is fair.

So, what do you think? Have we used up so much of our grace on the fat folks (or the folks who spend too much money, or the folks who gossip) that there isn’t enough left for someone who’s gay (or what ever else we associate with ‘higher rated’ sin)?

And what about that point scale for sins?

I want to take a second to update everyone on what’s going on in my world.

~ On April 5th I’ll be doing the next XXXChurch Live event with Craig Gross. I’m totally excited about it. You can watch live on the XXXChurch website and ask questions in the live chat. You can read about the event and leave questions for me here.

~ I’m kicking off a new series tomorrow on this blog called Tough Questions for Christians. I’ll be covering a wide range of topics like tithing, church membership, spanking, and sexuality to name a few. Should be interesting. Please subscribe or keep checking back this week and join the conversation. I would love to hear your opinions.

~ The Crying Out Loud site for wives of porn addicts offically starts next week. Finally. This site will be a place to both document my journey as I write my book for wives and a community for women to share their stories. It will go live on Monday, March 15th. I’ll post links as soon as the site launches. Please pray that this will come together without a hitch and that it will be a blessing to the women who need it.

If you are a blogger and would like to write a post about the new site launch next week, I would love you forever. Please leave a comment or shoot me an email so I can get information to you.

~ A few weeks ago I was invited by Covenant Eyes to attend a networking event with some amazing people interested in reaching out to those struggling with pornography. The guest list was unbelievable and the hospitality offered by the Covenant Eyes staff was far beyond what I expected. They truly are a great group of people with huge hearts for this ministry. While I was there I was asked to participate in a new documentary by Francois Driessen called Scratching the Surface. Here’s what he says about the project on his website:

A breadcrumb trail documentary on the journey of getting equipped to deal with pornography in your community, family and your own life. Follow director/producer Francois Driessen as he peels back the layers of silence on a topic that has far more implications on our lives than ever imagined before. On the journey, key topics such as physiological effects of pornography use, human trafficking, women & porn addiction, ministers stuck in porn and many more are uncovered. Not only does this create a startling image of the scope of the problem within the Christian community, but also provides the viewer with essential information to be equipped to take effective action by connecting the viewer to key champions on the battlefront against pornography on all the major topics.

I was honored to be one of the participants and have an opportunity to share my story and discuss the harmful ways that pornography affects spouses and families. I’ll keep you posted as this project develops but for now here’s a peek from behind the scenes.

I’ve been busy. Like, really busy. Prayers appreciated!

J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye is one of the greatest American novels of all time. Holden, the teenage character at the heart of this story, is struggling with life, and change, and people, and growing up. In the book he describes this dream to his little sister, Phoebe.

I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

If you have ever loved an addict you know what it feels like to be a catcher in the rye. You know what it feels like to have a bunch of people running around you; spouse, kids, extended family members, coworkers, friends – what feels like thousands of people playing near a big, crazy cliff. You know what it feels like to think your job is to catch anyone or anything that may fall over the edge.

You know what it’s like to believe that you are responsible for other people’s behavior.

And if you’ve ever loved an addict you also know that recovery is a very delicate, fragile thing. It’s a process with ups and downs and good days and bad days. We’ve had some bad days over the past few weeks. The kind of days that make you reexamine priorities and decisions. The kind of days that can make you second guess yourself (and maybe even lose faith if you aren’t careful). I have watched my husband move to the edge of the cliff. And I have watched him make his way back.

For me, these are the days when I find myself standing in the rye once again.

I talk a lot about my recovery from codependency and the freedom that comes when you no longer feel the burden to catch someone going over a cliff. Standing in the rye puts that to the test. It is really, really hard to watch someone you love dance near the edge and have to resist the urge to do things that you think will guard him from it. It’s hard for me to watch my husband struggle with limits and boundaries, to see him lose his balance. It’s especially hard to watch someone you love fall. But, it’s been incredibly refreshing for me to know that I’m not responsible for what someone else does. I am only responsible for me.

It’s freeing to know that no matter how close to the edge my husband gets, I will be ok.

So, all that to say that this is my first post in nearly a month. If you’ve been wondering where in the heck I’ve been, well… we’ve been in the rye. And now we’re both back.

P.S. Thanks for all of the prayers from those who knew what was up.

P.P.S. Is it totally narcissistic of me to think that anyone noticed I wasn’t blogging? Yeah… I though so.

I few weeks ago Mike Foster and Jud Wilhite were gracious enough to let me guest post on their awesome site. I was honored to share this post with the People of the Second Chance community.

A few weeks ago when everyone was showing off their #RealMe on Facebook and Twitter I quietly looked the other way and kept my lovely, professionally shot, and photoshopped profile picture up. The idea of showing my face first thing in the morning, free of make up and hair product didn’t bother me. It isn’t a sin to look tired, or plain, or blotchy. It isn’t even a sin to be ugly.

However, it is a sin to be fat.

And that’s me. I’ve struggled with my weight for years, as long as I can remember really. I grew up on my mom’s southern cooking; fried meats, sweet tea, and home made mac and cheese. I was always able to keep it somewhat under control… that is until I got pregnant. Women? Do you hear me on this one? Yeah, I thought so.

Anyhow, in addition to carrying around 25 extra pounds of post-delivery baby weight I also fell into a part postpartum/part dealing with my husbands porn addiction depression. A deep depression that I attempted to cure the old fashioned way: with food. The ooey, gooey comfort foods I grew up on. And as I “coped” the 25 pounds became 100. Yikes.

So, that’s the #RealMe. And I hate it. As I struggle to eat the right things, exercise, and avoid treating depression with ice cream I need a second chance. A second chance from people who make jokes, or assumptions, or judgements.

But, seriously, more than that I need to give myself a second chance. I need to get ok with me. The #RealMe. I have what sometimes seems like an infinite capacity to show grace to others. No matter what they have done. But I have an incredibly difficult time showing that grace to myself. And I know that I’m not the only one.

This is my second chance.

At some point over Indiana I remembered that I had downloaded Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis onto my Kindle app and decided to read it in lieu of the adventures of Brangelina. I wish someone had forced me to read this ages ago. I. Love. It.

Anyway, as I’m reading, I get to a part where Bell describes talking with two engaged friends in preparation for thier wedding. The husband-to-be, like his fiancée, isn’t a believer in God. But here’s what the groom says about the beauty of the natural, outdoor wedding location: “Something holds this all together.” I’ve just come off of a wild weekend with some intense ups and downs. In the downs I experienced moments of grief and peace. Grace. And peace. At the same time. And in it all there was this intense faith that something is holding this together.

So, as I fly I and read pages from Bell about “beautiful moments in the midst of the mundane,” moments that are just as God breathed as the intense, obvious God moments, I think about how we often miss them. He says that “there is way more going on here than we realize,” and he’s right.

And as I read these words in my crampped, hot, stuffy Delta Airlines seat, I look up. And out.

Just below me, glowing against the setting sun, are the tops of the Rockies. There are snow and clouds. Valleys and summits. And as we move forward there are rivers and canyons. And that is only what I can see. In my discomfort I almost missed something so beatuiful it speaks truth into my soul just by existing. It reminds me that something is holding this all together. Nature cries out in praise.

A mundane moment.

By the way, I’m back to writing after a two week break. Life junk and work travel have taken oven my life in recent days so a brief sanity break was in order. Thanks for continuing to read. It feels good to be back :)

Let me start by saying that using this image made me really, really uncomfortable. I HATE that word and it upsets me when people use it. Hopefully it makes you uncomfortable too.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

We all know that saying. I would argue that most reasonable people would agree that words really can hurt you. I’ve been hurt by other people’s words. Some of those hurtful words were intended to be hurtful, others weren’t. And often times the unintentional ones hurt most.

Just as frightening as our words physically hurting, words have the power to attract and they have the power to repel. The bible has a lot to say about watching what words we use. I love this passage in James:

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. – James 3:9,10

This passage has a lot to do with obvious things like gossip, slander, angry words, and cursing. It has to do with using hateful words like “faggot” and words that attack a person’s race or culture. As Christians, we all know that, right? Right. I also think this passage has to do with more subtle things. Things that slip into popular culture and roll off our tongue.

Monday night I was watching the Grammy Awards (don’t ask why). After the Elton John/Lady Gaga performance I read several tongue-in-cheek, double entendre-type comments on Twitter – from Christians that I actually respect – about the performance being gay or Elton John and Lady Gaga (whose costumes were covered in dirt and soot) being “dirty queens.” Nothing intended to be mean… I don’t think… just sort of haha. I know these same people would NEVER use the word n—–, or any other racially insensitive term. In fact, I’m almost positive they would never say the word “faggot.” But for some reason, “dirty queen” was ok. Out loud. In public.

It reminded me of when people say things like “that’s so gay.” You know, when you’re not intending to show prejudice, you just don’t like something. Well, I hate that phrase, and I was disappointed to see these comments from other Christians. I believe it’s hurtful. And I know that these kinds of comments don’t attract others to us; they divide and repel. I think that James was talking about these kinds of words too.

So, here’s my bottom line: I’ve been very critical in the past (and will continue to be critical) of many mainstream evangelicals’ almost combative relationship with the gay community. Personally, it offends me. Greatly. And I wonder whether the church’s disapproval of the homosexual lifestyle gives some people the illusion that referring to things as “gay” is acceptable?

Do a person’s religious or political beliefs about sexual orientation influence his or her use of words? Should they?

P.S. A friend, @SaintMateo, tipped me off to an organization called Think Before You Speak. It was created to bring awareness to the harmful use of phrases like “that’s so gay.” Brilliant. Thanks, Mat.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Right…

So, this was taught in schools and set as the expectation for girls as they matured and became wives. Clearly, many of us aren’t making the grade these days, and I would argue that this was a totally unrealistic expectation even in the 50’s (and I haven’t even seen Revolutionary Road yet). But it begs the question, what are our expectations of women/wives now? Are they realistic?

Despite the utter insanity woven into this passage, I find it interesting that the stated goal is so simple: “Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.” As Christian wives, helpmates if you will, that is in part what we are called to do. Harldy an absurd request.

What makes a Christian woman a good wife circa 2010?

One of the speakers on the XXXChurch team ended his own life yesterday, and I don’t know how to handle it. His name is Steve Glisan. You can watch his story by clicking here [below]. You can read some of his blogs he wrote on the XXXchurch site here. He is survived by his wife Ann and his three children. I fly to Colorado Springs on Friday and will be able to say a few things at the funeral on Saturday. Donny, Michelle and myself will be in the springs and hope to be an encouragement to the family and friends this weekend. Please keep the family in your prayers.

Steve’s death is such a tragedy and it has impacted our entire XXXChurch ministry team. Please join me in praying for Craig tonight as he prepares his message for tomorrow’s funeral.

I’ve included a video from the XXXChurch site that features Steve and his wife discussing their struggle with sexual addiction. This video has ministered to many, many couples and has certainly touched me.

Steve leaves behind a glorious testimony in his wife, Ann. Please keep her and their children in your prayers.

Anyway, Mike Foster and Jud Wilhite created a wonderful community for people like me, and maybe someone like you, called People of the Second Chance. It’s a really cool community for people who need to experience God’s grace in thier lives. I’m so thankful that they let me share their space today to talk about being fat and looking for my second chance. Yeah, I went there.

If you read my stuff you know I’m pretty real both on this blog and on the blog that I write for XXXChurch. Despite all that this may be the most honest post I’ve ever written. You can check it out HERE.

Thanks for loving me in my honesty…

I asked a Twitter/blog friend, Tyler Braun, to guest post today. You’ll love him, seriously. His blog, Man of Depravity always makes me think and he always has something valuable to say on Twitter. In addition to blogging, Tyler is a worship leader in Portland where he lives with his wife, Rose.

Missional.

Defined as: Christian church buzz word that no one knows the meaning of.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really get the movement going on in churches to describe themselves as “missional.” I say that because it should be something every church is obviously doing. If the church is truly the body of Christ, then we are always on mission.

With that said, let’s think about how we worship as a body when we gather. We sing songs about God, we declare Him to be worthy of our worship towards Him. We sing a lot about “me” and “I” and the importance of each of us individually aligning ourselves toward God.

Rarely do worship song lyrics provoke us to start caring for the people around us (we leave that up to the Holy Spirit).

If worship is something that only stays between us (individuals) and God, I think we’re falling short of the total goal.

Last Sunday night, I was leading worship for my church’s high school group. I explained to them that worship, in its fullness can’t be something that is only between us and God. Worship is something that should push us to care for the people around us. I had placed a piece of paper and pencil under every chair and asked each student to write a note or prayer of encouragement to somebody else in that room. And to give that piece of paper to them (if they felt comfortable) before the end of the night.

I walked away seeing a lot of blank pieces of paper on the ground. And really the point wasn’t to get everyone to write a note to their friend. It was more for them to begin realizing that their worship of God isn’t fully complete until they aren’t thinking about themselves anymore.

It’s funny to me that most churches that describe themselves as missional, still allow for a time of worship that is completely individually focused in the lyrics.

So this is my challenge to worship leaders:

Find ways to make worship a missional thing.

Worship, in its fullest sense, is something that draws us closer to God and closer to those around us.

What are your thoughts on missional worship?