I saw these stats on infidelity and thought they were interesting. Sadly, I thought that some of them looked a little low.

The section on why people have affairs really struck me. If these studies are accurate, it appears that men have affairs for physical reasons, whereas women have them for more emotional, intimacy-related reasons. The reasons for men are; 44% want sex more often and 40% want variety in their sexual partner. The three reasons listed for women are: 40% want more emotional attention, 33% want to be reassured that they’re still desirable, and 11% cheat for revenge.

As wives of men addicted to sex and/or pornography, we are susceptible to these three things. We often feel emotionally isolated, undesirable, and angry (even to the point of wanting revenge) as a result of our husbands’ addictions. These feelings can lead to fantasizing about old boyfriends, coworkers, or friends from church. The fantasies may not be sexual but more commonly are about having what we’ve idealized as the perfect relationship. What may seem like harmless, secret fantasies are actually a slippery slope to adultery.

James 1:14-15: ”But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”

Wives, we may have been hurt and we may be very, very angry, but we must always guard our hearts and walk in His righteousness.

Which of these stats do you find most shocking? What advice to you have for affair proofing your marriage?

This Sunday our pastor gave a sermon on spiritual gifts. He covered what they are, how we get them, and how important it is for each of us to use our gifts within the body of Christ. I’ve been thinking a lot about my gifting over the past few days. I think that most of us can identify which spiritual gifts we have. I’ve taken classes, have heard several teachings, and have taken a few inventories in order to figure it out, and many of you have too. But I don’t think we spend enough time thinking about the spiritual gifts we don’t have.

Due to my ministry affiliations, I get a lot of email from women who have marriages in crisis and are looking for advice. Regardless of the specifics, I always tell them these two things: Turn to God in prayer, and turn to a few other safe people (the Church) for relationship. Very few people like that advice. I think that’s because we really like to do things on our own. And we really aren’t too keen on relying on others.

Think about any message you’ve ever heard on spiritual gifting. I’m willing to wager that they were all focused on identifying your gifts so you can use them serving others both within the church body and in your larger community. If you are being asked to use our gifts to serve others, it stands to reason that others are being asked to use their gifts serving you.

Let me repeat that: The people you see every Sunday at church are being called to serve you. Will you let them?

The reality is that we were never, ever meant to live this life on our own. We were designed to live in community with other believers.

I think it’s important for us to learn what our gifts aren’t. That is where we will find our vulnerabilities and weaknesses. That is where we need others to draw alongside us if we are to live out His call in our lives. That is where we need to humble ourselves and not only allow others to see our imperfections but to serve us in them. God wants you to be served.

My primary spiritual gifts are exhortation, teaching, and leadership.

I am equally ungifted in other areas. I need people around me who are strong in the areas of adminstration (seriously, I’m a train wreck), discernment, faith, prayer, wisdom, and helps. I know that it would be very dangerous for me not to have people strong in these giftings speaking into my life on a regular basis.

And if any of you have the gift of miricales give me a call. I’d love you be your friend! ;)

How about you? Where are you gifted? Where are you ungifted?

I can’t believe that I’m still catching up on current events from when I was on my blog break! Well, this story really struck my fancy since I’m the mom of a teenage girl, I had her when I was a teenager, and I love MTV’s reality show, Teen Mom.

Anyway, this story flew under the radar, so if you missed it here’s the gist: the popular retailer Forever 21 announced that they are launching a maternity line both online and in a select number of their retail locations. If you’re unfamiliar, Forever 21 is best known for their inexpensive, trendy, youthful fashions. They are also less notably known as a Christian-owned organization who have chosen to represent their owners’ Christian beliefs by printing John 3:16 on the bottom of their shopping bags à la In-and-Out Burger.

The accusation made by many (both Christian and secular) is that Forever 21 is promoting teen pregnancy by adding a maternity line. These are the same types of accusations that have been made about shows like Teen Mom and movies like Juno, which some believe glamorize teen pregnancy. For the record, I can’t imagine that these detractors have ever seen either of those. Teen Mom makes teen parenting look absolutely miserable (not to mention featuring a young couple who chose adoption) and Juno was one of the best movies ever.

Here are my three thoughts after reading this coverage:

1. Who said only teenagers shop at Forever 21? I know plenty of women in their 20′s who shop there.
2. What’s so bad about wanting inexpensive maternity wear? Maternity clothes are expensive!!! Everyone deserves a break on cute, cheap maternity clothes (yes, even pregnant teens – they have to shop somewhere).
3. Most importantly, how does selling maternity fashions (or having a reality show on teen pregnancy) promote teen parenting? Shouldn’t we be more concerned about PREVENTING teen pregnancy? Does it matter where pregnant women (adults and teens alike) buy their clothes? I say no.

What do you think about this?

Is Forever 21 promoting teen pregnancy? Is this irresponsible for a reportedly Christian organization?

Last week I saw I piece on CNN.com about police in Albuquerque meeting an arriving Southwest flight at the gate after the flight crew notified law enforcement about a woman allegedly slapping her 13-month-old daughter. Basically, the baby was fussy, and the mom was witnessed slapping the child with an open hand once in the face and repeatedly on the legs in an attempt to get her to stop crying. During the “incident” the father and mother were fighting over the mother’s continued yelling at the baby. And to top it all off, the baby reportedly had a black eye, which the parents later told police was the result of a dog bite.

Southwest Airlines took some heat for this incident because the flight attendant reportedly took the infant from the parents. She did return the child before the family deplaned. Police interviewed the family upon arrival and released them after determining that there were no signs of abuse. According to the police report the mom slapped the baby because the baby kicked her first. Seriously. When asked if she felt it was OK to hit her child, the mom nodded her head yes and responded, “She’s my daughter.”

I think the entire story is crazy. Even crazier were the 2,500+ comments on the post and another 1,000 on Facebook. Not surprisingly there were loads of comments that cited some variety of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Since the Bible was brought up repeatedly, I figured I’d pose the question here. Do you think that spanking is a biblical means of child rearing? If so, where do you draw the line?

I’ll go first…

I do not believe in spanking as an acceptable type of discipline ever. Never. We don’t spank, never have, and never will. I believe that the four verses in Proverbs that reference “the rod” and child rearing are four of the most misused, misrepresented verses in the Bible (shepherds used the rod to guide and protect not to hit their sheep).

When I was a practicing counselor, my last job was working with children who were victims of sexual abuse or violent crimes, or who were witnesses to murder. I’ve seen many children hit in the the name of discipline. I’ve seen the black and blue bodies of children who died at the hands of abusive parents. I know that the majority of us would never take spanking that far, but those images will stay with me forever, and they make it very difficult for me to see this issue in shades of gray.

I should also note that our nonspanked children are all very, very well behaved :)

How do you feel about spanking? Is it appropriate, even biblical, discipline?

While I was on my blog break I read something about Christian women having lap dancing lessons at their bachelorette parties or bridal showers. I’m assuming that these aren’t the ladies’ tea type showers held in church basements. Anyway, the deal is that women getting together to have fun, to learn about feeling more sensual in their own skins, and to focus on performing exclusively for their husbands is a good thing. Maybe even a Godly thing.

Pole dancing has become the new exercise class du jour at many health clubs. I’ve heard of pole dancing lessons as a bridal party bonding activity too. I won’t be signing up, mainly because I’m way too out of shape to hop up on a pole. Plus, the see-through shoes scare me. But if I were limber enough to get myself into an upside-down split, would I want to? Would it be good for me, my husband, or our marriage? Would God approve?

I’ve honestly never thought about it before. I’m curious, what are your thoughts?

Is it OK for Christian women to take lap/pole dancing lessons?

While I was on my blog break, I got together with my friends Kate and Kendra to watch the season finale of The Bachelorette (Team Roberto all the way!). This show is so cheesy, but I love it. I posted on Facebook and Twitter that we were watching the show. Shortly after, I received an email from someone who was shocked that I speak out against pornography, yet I watch The Bachelorette. This emailer went on to tell me that The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are both porn.

My first thought was: If this is porn, it is THE WORST porn ever.

My second thought was that if The Bachelorette is classified as porn, then the mostly naked Dancing With the Stars is in MAJOR trouble.

How do you define pornography? Is it subjective?When do TV or movies cross the line for you?

Here’s the proof:

Standard issue Christian protest signs…

Anti-Prop 8 and gay equality protest signs…

And my personal favorite…

Where do you stand on the Prop 8 debate?

What’s your position on Christian protesters? Is it a good or bad witness?

While I was on my blog hiatus, there were several news stories that I was dying to blog about! Montana Fishburne and her sex tape topped the list. Oh, Montana. Really?

The famous, now infamous, daughter of actor Lawrence Fishburne shocked everyone (including her Oscar-nominated father) with news that she was releasing the first adult video in what she hoped would be a series with Vivid Entertainment. Why? She was impressed with the way Kim Kardashian’s sex tape (which was leaked without her knowledge) launched her career, and she hoped hers would follow suit.

Seriously, can the child of Lawrence Fishburne feel she needs Vivid to help launch her career? Isn’t her father connected enough?

In follow-up interviews, Montana reveals that she began having a passionate desire to become a porn star when she was 16 and that she made her first home movie at 18. And her Twitter feed has been hopping with tweets such as:

Aw this little 13 year old girl came up to me talking about I’m her favorite celebrity and she is going to make a sex-tape when she turns 18

And…

It’s too late fools. Me and @ihatekatstacks are the next generation’s ROLE MODELS. You had your chance and decided to go to college smh hoes

I think it’s really easy to dismiss her comment about being a role model as craziness (and who is this 13-year-old girl!? Where is her mother!?). But really I have to wonder if this is what we’re coming to. Do today’s young ladies really want to be Kim and Paris because of their sex tapes? Does reality TV really have to cover shows about Playmates, the messed up family on Pretty Wild, or toddler pageant queens (and yes, they do belong on this list IMO)? Does it really have to be this difficult to find a skirt that covers my 7-year-old’s entire backside?

Here’s what I know for sure… our young girls need frequent, candid conversations about sex with adult women they can trust. The “sex” and “porn” talk isn’t just for boys anymore.

Am I just getting old, or is this out of control? What responsibility do we have as a church to model appropriateness to our young girls?

We’ll also be joined by our friends at Covenant Eyes who will be offering some Christian based solutions for internet safety, accountability, and filtering.

If you’re wondering what Convergence is, here is some info from the website:

When the deepest and most relevant issues of life become the elephant in the “church room,” people suffer in silence, feel alone, and entertain sin. Yet this was never Jesus’ plan for his people. Rather, Jesus has called Christians to journey with one another as we center our lives on Him.

Whether directly or indirectly, sexual sin has impacted your life or the life of someone you know. Drawing from their own personal testimonies, Nicole Wick and Crystal Renaud will share their stories of Christ’s victory in their lives, as well as how an environment of honesty, compassion, and love creates an atmosphere for support and healing.

Obviously this event is designed for women who have a history of sexual sin or abuse, or for wives who have a husband who has struggled with sexual sin. If that isn’t you, I bet you’re wondering if this conference is for you. Here is a brief list of other people that I think should attend this event:

• Women who are married
• Women who hope to someday be married
• Women who parent small children
• Women who parent teen children
• Women who parent adult children
• Women who have internet access in their homes
• Women who have (or whose husbands have) internet access at their jobs
• Women who own a television (especially cable television)
• Women who have any of the following delivered to them or their husband: Playboy, Penthouse, Victoria’s Secret catalog, Maxim, the Target Sunday circular, the JCPenny catalog, Sports Illustrated…
• Women who have a smart phone or iPhone
• Women who have a husband or child that owns a smart phone or iPhone
• Women who are involved in a church, small group, or women’s ministry, and as a result may encounter other women who need support in this area
• Women who are involved in youth or children’s ministry and may encounter teens or pre-teens struggling in this area
• Women who have friend, family member, or co worker who may be struggling with a secret sexual sin personally or in their marriage

If you fit one or more of these, you should seriously consider attending Convergence. I hope to see you there!

I’m honored to be facilitating a workshop at this years Idea Camp in Las Vegas. This year’s conference topic is sex. Here is the general topic info from the conference website:

In a culture formed and broken by tainted views of human sexuality, what should followers of Christ embody?

Join us for a fresh, honest and transformative conversation with leading thinkers on topics including sexual identity, orientation, abuse, gender perceptions, porn, marriage, family, prostitution, and slavery.

The issues related to human sexuality are too often misunderstood, ignored, or avoided in far too many churches. The Idea Camp will facilitate a safe and transparent environment of learning, sharing of insights from the respective fields of focus, and practical insights and examples of holistic care.

Let’s see sexuality for what it was meant to be.

I love that. I love that we are planning a gathering where we can come together as the body of Christ and have conversations about sex and sexuality within a Christ-centered framework. I love that we are going to talk about things that affect the body of Christ in deep, meaningful ways, yet are often ignored (or at the very least misunderstood) in many church circles.

I’ll be leading a workshop that pulls wisdom and hope from the scriptures as well as my personal experience sorting through sexual struggles (the good, the bad, and the churchy) within the church community. My hope is that this workshop will provide an opportunity for church leaders and idea makers to discuss ways that the church can support members who struggle with sexual sin, or the temptation of sexual sin, without shame and condemnation. My hope is that our discussion will help us better understand how to build a church community grounded in the principles of confession, community, repentance, and hope.

If you would like to particiate in this year’s Idea Camp you can register HERE. Use the cupon code ICFRIEND for 10% off your conference registration.

Here’s where I need your help. I’m putting the finishing touches on my workshop and would love your input and ideas. (After all, it’s Idea Camp, right!?)

What is one aspect of healing communities and/or redemption from sexual sin that this workshop MUST address?

If you have ever struggled with sexual sin (or know someone who has), what is the one thing that your church did well or that you wish your church had done?