This made total sense to me. The world, both secular and Christian, has created the perception that we (women) need men to be strong, UFC watching, wild at heart, alpha male providers. And it wouldn’t surprise me if this expectation stresses men out.

Where do we put this when God (either Himself or by angelic proxy) is constantly showing up saying, “Do not fear!”? How do we obey this when there is so much going on in our lives that half of the time we’re scared to death?

The Bible has some great things to say about perfect love driving out all fear (1 John 4:17). Men living in the shadow of fear, even when the fear is about important things, isn’t perfect love… it’s a perfect mess.

So, here’s my post-father’s day message for all of the husbands and dads:

It’s ok if you fail sometimes. There’s grace for that.

It’s ok for you to need help from other men. There’s strength in that.

And it’s ok if you go though a season of living from paycheck to paycheck. God makes provision for that.

Your ability to be a strong man/husband/father isn’t measured by how well you do “manly things” or how much you accomplish, It’s measured by how well you obey and how perfectly you love.

My father’s day gift to you is the often overlooked, yet vitally important Ephesians 5:28b. We all know that you guys are commanded to love us as Christ love the church. That’s some good stuff. But don’t forget the rest of the command, “He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Husbands: Love yourselves.

Of all the things you could do, or accomplish, or provide, or kill and drag home, love is what we need the most. Be a good husband/father/provider by loving God, loving your wife, and for heaven’s sake loving yourself.

P.S. Happy Father’s Day to my husband who is courageously learning to love himself more and fear less every day. I love you.

Is loving yourself difficult? Why or why not?

This morning we had to make the decision to put our dog down. Awful.

The difficult, ultra sucky part was telling the kids. Jacob is 9 now and Jessica is 7. Today was the first time in their little lives that they have had to experience grief and loss of any kind. We told them about the dog when they got home from school and it was as bad as you would expect.

I think Jessica said it best when she said, “I think I might be sad forever.”

Obviously she won’t be sad forever but a small (or maybe not so small) part of their innocence has been stripped away. That’s the saddest thing that this mommy’s heart can imagine.

A few months ago my husband guest posted on my blog. He wrote a sweet post about this cute little dog that I pretended to be indifferent about but secretly loved. I thought it would be nice to repost it today.

This photo was taken this morning before his trip to the vet. What a sweet boy… xoxo

What I Learned about God from my Dog

By Jesse Wick (@jessewick)

Nicole loves animals. We have three of them: the cat she had when we met, a narcoleptic shih tzu named Pong, and a pesky maltese/shih tzu mix (malte-shitz?) named Mitzy. The maltese is incredibly dumb, though she does a great job protecting our home from squirrels, toddlers on tricycles, and the miniature pinscher down the block. The cat has a gentlemanly distaste for the dogs and tends to stay in the basement. (The dogs are afraid of the stairs.) But Pong… ah, Pong. The dog I always wanted. The only thing worse than his body odor is his breath. He is morbidly obese. He sleeps 23 hours out of every 24 (this is a rough estimate, not an exaggeration), snoring loudly. His idea of a “walk” is a quick trip halfway up the block to a nearby tree, upon which he dutifully pees, followed by a somewhat slower, panting waddle back home. He has the personality of a loaf of bread. He may be the most useless dog that ever lived.

And I love him.

And that’s the first thing he taught me about God. My love for him is not based on anything he does. It couldn’t be, because he doesn’t do anything except lie around and reek. I just love him. And he knows it. And he depends on it.

Now, lucky for us all, I’m not God. I’m sure God knows why he loves us. All I’m saying is that Pong doesn’t ask for reasons why I love him or worry that I don’t; he just trusts in it. Unlike the malte-shitz, who tries to earn my affection in all sorts of obnoxious and off-putting ways. (“Look! I love you! I’m jumping up and down frantically while snapping at your hand! Look! I’ve killed your daughter’s stuffed animal! Look! Here are the mangled remains of a dead bird I found! Aren’t I great?”) Pong doesn’t need to do all that. He just accepts my love without a blink or a second thought.

Being at home a fair amount during the day, I spend a lot of time around this dog. And I sometimes get that weird feeling that someone is watching me. I’m not paranoid; someone is watching me. Pong. When he is awake and doesn’t have his face in a food dish (which, again, is rare), he is mostly looking at me. Not wanting anything, just gazing at me. You’ve heard the old hymn, “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus”? If I were Jesus, Pong would be the holiest living thing within fifty miles. It’s a constant reminder to me of where my own eyes need to be directed.

As a corollary to both of these points, Pong is content simply to be where I am. And by extension, he gets a bit agitated if he isn’t. If I go into a different room for any length of time (including, unfortunately, the bathroom), he will poke his head in there and just stand there gazing at me until I am done. He has a little bed next to ours and can’t go to bed without me. When bedtime is close, he’ll often stand at the bedroom door, huffing and puffing, until I come in with him. He doesn’t need me to stroke him, give him treats, tell him what to do, or anything else. He just needs me to be nearby. Then he can go back to his default state of contented lethargy. I should be so content simply to be near Jesus – without always wanting something from Him into the bargain.

Finally (because this is getting long), Pong counts on me. If he were a psalmist, he would have many names for me: Lord of the Vacuum Cleaner, The One Who Lifts me Onto the Couch (Because I’m Too Fat to Jump Up There), Filler of the Kibble Bowl, My Refuge in the Time of the Veterinarian. He’s not shy about admitting to me when he’s scared; at the vet, he puts his paws in my lap and pants furiously, gazing at me extra hard. He’s not afraid to tell me what he needs, standing in front of the couch or at the back door, doing a little shuffling dance while huffing and puffing pathetically.

You see, Pong doesn’t have an image to maintain.

He just has faith.

My friend Matthew posted about it. I thought his post was wonderful! If you missed it check out his post here.

But I had to post on it after seeing Focus on the Family’s Candi Cushman, who is quoted in the Citizen Link article, on CNN’s AC360 last week discussing the issue. In her interview she referred to LGBTQ youth as a “political subgroup,” and I almost lost it.

DISCLAIMER: Before I go any further I have to say that, as I previously learned when I posted this and this, it can be very unpopular to disagree with Focus. Let me remind everyone (especially my friend Esther who works for Focus ;) that I am a conservative, evangelical Christian and that I believe that FoF does tons of great work, especially around mental health, marriage restoration, and orphan care. However, I disagree with many of their political approaches. A lot.

I have a few (hopefully brief) things to say about this entire debate:

First, I still find it  hard to believe that this is an issue. Before you can say anything about the proposed legislation, I think that you need to actually read it. You can find the bill HERE. If you haven’t read it, you should (it’s super short). The legislation is about bullying, which all parties agree is an issue. The bill would require that schools have three things: specific policies against bullying, programs that teach students about bullying (not specific to sexuality), and training programs that assist school staff with appropriately handling bullying. Schools would also have to report on bullying incidents within their districts for statistical purposes.

The only time sexuality is mentioned in the bill is when bullying and harassment are defined as something that:

adversely affects the ability of one or more students to participate in or benefit from the school’s educational programs or activities by placing the student (or students) in reasonable fear of physical harm; and includes conduct that is based on a student’s actual or perceived race; color; national origin; sex; disability; sexual orientation; gender identity; or religion.

That’s it. Nothing about teaching kindergartners about sex. Nothing that promotes a “gay agenda,” whatever that is. Nothing that should freak anyone out.

Despite what I would refer to as some pretty straightforward legislation requiring schools to have an anti-bullying action plan, Focus continues to make statements such as, “The passage of the bill would likely open the door to teaching about homosexuality as early as kindergarten. And it would lay the foundation for codifying sexual orientation and gender identity as protected classes.”

And here is my chief complaint: every time I hear Focus discuss this issue they make accusations about those with differing opinions politicizing the school environment.

Really, Focus?

If anyone is politicizing the Safe Schools Improvement Act, it’s Focus on the Family. Not only by creating fear among their conservative constituency but also by referring to LGBTQ students as a “political subgroup.” I’ve yet to meet a gay person who has chosen to be gay for political reasons. Because you believe an individual’s sexual identity is sinful does not change the fact that it is his or her identity – not a political philosophy.

And here’s my final thought. Bullying is a very real issue. My son has been a victim of it. It’s awful. And as parents of an autistic child with unusual social issues, we have learned that bullying is very prevelant, it is much different than it was when we were kids, and it is very difficult for school administrators to manage.

The image above is a PostSecret confession that I think sums it up. Bullying LGBTQ students is bad. Telling students that they can’t call a peer a faggot is good.

What do you think of the Safe Schools Improvement Act and Focus on the Family’s stand? Have you read the bill? Is this biblical?

]]> http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/09/i-couldnt-resist/feed/ 39 http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/09/broken-hearted/ http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/09/broken-hearted/#comments Tue, 07 Sep 2010 01:38:06 +0000 Nicole http://www.nicolewick.com/?p=2979

Photo Credit: The Detroit News

Jacob, my 9-year-old son, broke my heart yesterday.

I’ve been busy organizing a conference on urban and suburban church partnership in Detroit. My prayer has been that we can find a church in the city of Detroit to host the conference at. Yesterday we went for a drive into the city to see how accessible one of the churches I’m thinking about is from the expressway.

In order to get to the church, we drove through some residential streets. Driving past vacant lots, homes that are falling apart, abandoned buildings littered with debris, and business lots bordered with barbed wire doesn’t faze me. I’ve lived in the Detroit area all of my life and have come to accept that two thirds of the city is falling apart while the rest is desperately trying to stand tall.

I love this city. There’s beauty and hope beyond that barbed wire.

Anyway, Jesse and I talked about location and logistics the entire ride home, both of us unfazed by the condition of the streets we had just driven down. Then, as we approached our own suburban subdivision, Jacob, who along with his little sister had been silent the entire ride, spoke up from the back seat. “Well, I’ve never been to that part of town,” he said.

“What did you think of it?”, I asked.

“It was creepy.”

Heartbroken.

Jesse and I pride ourselves on raising a family that is sensitive to world issues and has an awareness of diversity. We talk to them about equality and injustice. We try to impress upon them the importance of being selfless and giving generously. In that moment, I realized that my son has a love and appreciation for the third world conditions of our World Vision or HopeChest children, but had never been exposed to the neighborhood pictured above, a short 20-minute drive from where we live.

He’s 9 years old, and we have yet to truly teach him about his neighbor. That changes now.

I want him to love this city too. I want him to love his neighbor.

Does your child know more about third world poverty than issues in your community? How do you teach children about diversity and equality?

I can’t believe that I’m still catching up on current events from when I was on my blog break! Well, this story really struck my fancy since I’m the mom of a teenage girl, I had her when I was a teenager, and I love MTV’s reality show, Teen Mom.

Anyway, this story flew under the radar, so if you missed it here’s the gist: the popular retailer Forever 21 announced that they are launching a maternity line both online and in a select number of their retail locations. If you’re unfamiliar, Forever 21 is best known for their inexpensive, trendy, youthful fashions. They are also less notably known as a Christian-owned organization who have chosen to represent their owners’ Christian beliefs by printing John 3:16 on the bottom of their shopping bags à la In-and-Out Burger.

The accusation made by many (both Christian and secular) is that Forever 21 is promoting teen pregnancy by adding a maternity line. These are the same types of accusations that have been made about shows like Teen Mom and movies like Juno, which some believe glamorize teen pregnancy. For the record, I can’t imagine that these detractors have ever seen either of those. Teen Mom makes teen parenting look absolutely miserable (not to mention featuring a young couple who chose adoption) and Juno was one of the best movies ever.

Here are my three thoughts after reading this coverage:

1. Who said only teenagers shop at Forever 21? I know plenty of women in their 20′s who shop there.
2. What’s so bad about wanting inexpensive maternity wear? Maternity clothes are expensive!!! Everyone deserves a break on cute, cheap maternity clothes (yes, even pregnant teens – they have to shop somewhere).
3. Most importantly, how does selling maternity fashions (or having a reality show on teen pregnancy) promote teen parenting? Shouldn’t we be more concerned about PREVENTING teen pregnancy? Does it matter where pregnant women (adults and teens alike) buy their clothes? I say no.

What do you think about this?

Is Forever 21 promoting teen pregnancy? Is this irresponsible for a reportedly Christian organization?

Last week I saw I piece on CNN.com about police in Albuquerque meeting an arriving Southwest flight at the gate after the flight crew notified law enforcement about a woman allegedly slapping her 13-month-old daughter. Basically, the baby was fussy, and the mom was witnessed slapping the child with an open hand once in the face and repeatedly on the legs in an attempt to get her to stop crying. During the “incident” the father and mother were fighting over the mother’s continued yelling at the baby. And to top it all off, the baby reportedly had a black eye, which the parents later told police was the result of a dog bite.

Southwest Airlines took some heat for this incident because the flight attendant reportedly took the infant from the parents. She did return the child before the family deplaned. Police interviewed the family upon arrival and released them after determining that there were no signs of abuse. According to the police report the mom slapped the baby because the baby kicked her first. Seriously. When asked if she felt it was OK to hit her child, the mom nodded her head yes and responded, “She’s my daughter.”

I think the entire story is crazy. Even crazier were the 2,500+ comments on the post and another 1,000 on Facebook. Not surprisingly there were loads of comments that cited some variety of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Since the Bible was brought up repeatedly, I figured I’d pose the question here. Do you think that spanking is a biblical means of child rearing? If so, where do you draw the line?

I’ll go first…

I do not believe in spanking as an acceptable type of discipline ever. Never. We don’t spank, never have, and never will. I believe that the four verses in Proverbs that reference “the rod” and child rearing are four of the most misused, misrepresented verses in the Bible (shepherds used the rod to guide and protect not to hit their sheep).

When I was a practicing counselor, my last job was working with children who were victims of sexual abuse or violent crimes, or who were witnesses to murder. I’ve seen many children hit in the the name of discipline. I’ve seen the black and blue bodies of children who died at the hands of abusive parents. I know that the majority of us would never take spanking that far, but those images will stay with me forever, and they make it very difficult for me to see this issue in shades of gray.

I should also note that our nonspanked children are all very, very well behaved :)

How do you feel about spanking? Is it appropriate, even biblical, discipline?

***

Why can’t “career women” just be women?

A New York Times writer poses the question, but the answer isn’t so simple

BY MARY ELIZABETH WILLIAMS

Early Friday afternoon, New York Times writer Jodi Kantor laid down a challenge via her Twitter feed. “Dear fellow journalists,” she implored, “can we stop referring to women who work as ‘career women’? 60% of U.S. females 16 and older are in the labor force.”

I think I’ve got this one!

Ma’am, I will only too gladly stop using the term “career women” — with all its vaguely spinsterish, Tiger Lady connotations — when I no longer have to. Because, even now, it hasn’t yet penetrated enough skulls that you can have a uterus and passion for your trade. And that’s the beauty of the word “career”: the way it acknowledges that you’re not just clocking in to support yourself, that you actually give a damn about how you earn your paycheck, that you’re in it for the long haul.

I’ll give up the term when people who know nothing about my own 20-plus years paying dues and busting my ass stop assuming it all pales in comparison to “the best job in the world”: motherhood. When women stop telling their pregnant friends they’re never going to want to go back to work after they see their babies. When my kids’ school puts their father on the contact list. When it stops guilt-tripping me every time I can’t chaperone a field trip or come in for a class birthday party. When I stop overcompensating by making a hundred cupcakes for the bake sale. When the world stops assuming that women work out of financial necessity and men do it out of a hunger for achievement. When it gets that there’s nothing unnatural or unfeminine about ambition. When we’re no longer earning 77 percent of what our male counterparts do.

I would love to just be a woman, to have the fact that I’m an able-bodied adult be enough for people to assume I have a livelihood — one of which I am proud. But there are so many other ways we primarily pigeonhole women, and too often they’re solely by their relationships to others. We call them wives and mothers and if they’re neither we furrow our brows and write books about how they can land a man. So I don’t mind defining myself or any other female in relation to vocation. Because maybe if we keep putting those two words together often enough, “career women” will stop sounding like a criticism and more like something else, something our daughters can aspire to become.

***

Any feelings about the term, “Career Woman”? Do you think we pigeonhole women?

Evidently not.

As I read through some of the comments on my friend Matthew’s working mom post, I thought it would be fun to post a little Cliff’s Notes-eqsue timeline of women’s history so we could all see just how far we’ve come. Enjoy!

A Very Brief Snap Shot of Women’s History

1848 – The first women’s rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York (I would have totally been there, by the way).

1869 – Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association and organize to achieve voting rights for women.

1920 – Women in the United States get the right to vote.

1942 – “Rosie the Riveter” becomes an iconic symbol of a campaign to encourage to enter the work force during WWII and leads to the American female workforce growing to over 20 million women.

1964 – The Civil Rights act is passed, barring discrimination on the basis of race and sex.

1994 – Beth Moore founds Living Proof Ministries (What!? Beth Moore works out side of the home! Yes, she does. And yes, I only added this to make a point)

2010 – As evidenced by this blog post on Jesus Needs New PR, Christians are STILL debating whether women should work outside of the home. Oh, how far we’ve come… what year is this again?

The Suffragettes must be rolling in their graves.

Do you think it’s possible for a woman to be both a Christian and a feminist?

And not surprisingly other people vehemently disagreed with me (and my husband). We were accused of living outside the will and order of God, not respecting or living under pastoral authority, I was overtly accused of being selfish, and my husband was covertly accused of not being a man.

A lot of the dispute and debate was centered around what it means to biblically provide for your family. And while that post was about Pastor Mark, this one is about my husband. Our provider and stay-at-home day.

Happy Father’s Day honey!

Jesse,

I don’t even know how to put our love for you into words. While I may not say it enough, I love you and appreciate you more than you know. Thank you for all that you do, even (especially?) for the mundane things that go unnoticed.

Thank you for being Jessica’s room day and taking the time EVERYDAY to work alongside her, create with her, and engage in her world.

Thank you for attending every single field trip, cub scout meeting, camping trip, and school meeting with Jacob to make sure that our special needs boy has fun and develops socially despite his limitations. I love that he is your priority and that you will give yourself to him so freely.

Thank you for loving Jocelyn like she is your own. You’re the only the father she knows, and the only father she wants. I couldn’t have picked a better dad for her and can’t believe how blessed we were to find you.

Thank you for supporting my career change. I love you because you are in tune to what I desire creatively, spiritually, and emotionally. You embrace my competitiveness, my drive, and my free spiritedness and encourage and nurture these things in me. You care for my soul, my heart, and my spirit in ways that go far beyond work, or paychecks, or bills.

Thank you for managing our daily routine (especially the bedtime routine!) and giving me the time I need each evening to process my stress filled days and have the time that I need to write.

Thank you for teaching yourself to cook and making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for us everyday. Thank you for doing all of the daily yucky stuff. The dishes and the dusting and the laundry. You provide a sense of order in our home that puts us all at peace.

And most importantly thank you for providing for us spiritually. For covering us in prayer, leading us, and modeling for our children what it looks like to serve others. The volunteer work you do every week at church, at the literacy center, and in their school speaks volumes into their little hearts. Your example is your testimony to them, and to me. And we are richly blessed by it.

I love you. xoxo

Nicole

What is the number one thing that dads/husbands should provide?

A very good friend of mine has this magnet on her refrigerator. I almost died laughing the first time I saw it. Now, before anyone gets agitated, let me clearly state that I don’t believe that cooking or caring for a home is satanic. That said, I appreciate the humor here.

Recently I tweeted a post written by my friend Sarah Mae about women choosing to raise their daughters to be homemakers and her decision to raise her daughters in this way. I strongly disagree with every point of her position. This isn’t the first time she and I have disagreed, nor will it be the last. But, I love her heart, I love her willingness to graciously respect our differing opinions, and I commend her for talking a bold step in doing something that, given the responses she is receiving, is viewed by some as controversial.

Jesse and I are no strangers to child-rearing controversy. We’ve been criticized for my decision to maintain my career and work outside of the home and for our decision for him to stay home with our children. We’ve been accused of living outside of God’s order, blaspheming, and believing Satan’s lies among other things.

Despite others’ opinions, it is our decision. And I believe that our decision is just as important, valid, and respectable as decisions made by families who choose to have mom stay home. Or families who have two working parents and choose daycare. Or parents who choose to raise their children as homemakers.

This is the right decision for us. And I’m quite certain that God is cool with it.

And He has blessed it. Tremendously.

What do you think about moms working outside of the home? Do you think we should be raising our girls to be stay-at-home wives and mothers?