I saw these stats on infidelity and thought they were interesting. Sadly, I thought that some of them looked a little low.

The section on why people have affairs really struck me. If these studies are accurate, it appears that men have affairs for physical reasons, whereas women have them for more emotional, intimacy-related reasons. The reasons for men are; 44% want sex more often and 40% want variety in their sexual partner. The three reasons listed for women are: 40% want more emotional attention, 33% want to be reassured that they’re still desirable, and 11% cheat for revenge.

As wives of men addicted to sex and/or pornography, we are susceptible to these three things. We often feel emotionally isolated, undesirable, and angry (even to the point of wanting revenge) as a result of our husbands’ addictions. These feelings can lead to fantasizing about old boyfriends, coworkers, or friends from church. The fantasies may not be sexual but more commonly are about having what we’ve idealized as the perfect relationship. What may seem like harmless, secret fantasies are actually a slippery slope to adultery.

James 1:14-15: ”But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”

Wives, we may have been hurt and we may be very, very angry, but we must always guard our hearts and walk in His righteousness.

Which of these stats do you find most shocking? What advice to you have for affair proofing your marriage?

While I was on my blog break I read something about Christian women having lap dancing lessons at their bachelorette parties or bridal showers. I’m assuming that these aren’t the ladies’ tea type showers held in church basements. Anyway, the deal is that women getting together to have fun, to learn about feeling more sensual in their own skins, and to focus on performing exclusively for their husbands is a good thing. Maybe even a Godly thing.

Pole dancing has become the new exercise class du jour at many health clubs. I’ve heard of pole dancing lessons as a bridal party bonding activity too. I won’t be signing up, mainly because I’m way too out of shape to hop up on a pole. Plus, the see-through shoes scare me. But if I were limber enough to get myself into an upside-down split, would I want to? Would it be good for me, my husband, or our marriage? Would God approve?

I’ve honestly never thought about it before. I’m curious, what are your thoughts?

Is it OK for Christian women to take lap/pole dancing lessons?

I’m honored to be facilitating a workshop at this years Idea Camp in Las Vegas. This year’s conference topic is sex. Here is the general topic info from the conference website:

In a culture formed and broken by tainted views of human sexuality, what should followers of Christ embody?

Join us for a fresh, honest and transformative conversation with leading thinkers on topics including sexual identity, orientation, abuse, gender perceptions, porn, marriage, family, prostitution, and slavery.

The issues related to human sexuality are too often misunderstood, ignored, or avoided in far too many churches. The Idea Camp will facilitate a safe and transparent environment of learning, sharing of insights from the respective fields of focus, and practical insights and examples of holistic care.

Let’s see sexuality for what it was meant to be.

I love that. I love that we are planning a gathering where we can come together as the body of Christ and have conversations about sex and sexuality within a Christ-centered framework. I love that we are going to talk about things that affect the body of Christ in deep, meaningful ways, yet are often ignored (or at the very least misunderstood) in many church circles.

I’ll be leading a workshop that pulls wisdom and hope from the scriptures as well as my personal experience sorting through sexual struggles (the good, the bad, and the churchy) within the church community. My hope is that this workshop will provide an opportunity for church leaders and idea makers to discuss ways that the church can support members who struggle with sexual sin, or the temptation of sexual sin, without shame and condemnation. My hope is that our discussion will help us better understand how to build a church community grounded in the principles of confession, community, repentance, and hope.

If you would like to particiate in this year’s Idea Camp you can register HERE. Use the cupon code ICFRIEND for 10% off your conference registration.

Here’s where I need your help. I’m putting the finishing touches on my workshop and would love your input and ideas. (After all, it’s Idea Camp, right!?)

What is one aspect of healing communities and/or redemption from sexual sin that this workshop MUST address?

If you have ever struggled with sexual sin (or know someone who has), what is the one thing that your church did well or that you wish your church had done?

Before I was married, most of my close friends were guys and we hung out all the time. I had ZERO romantic interest in any of them… they were just my boys. I’ve always felt more comfortable around the guys. I like their conversation and company, and we tend to have similar interests.

There’s a line in To Kill a Mockingbird (my all time favorite book!) that I completely identify with. While having to sit through a ladies’ missionary circle meeting, Scout says, “Ladies in bunches always filled me with vague apprehension and a firm desire to be elsewhere.” I totally understand.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a fan of women’s gatherings, especially as they relate to the church or women’s ministry. I’m not big on ladies’ teas or scrapbook crops. And I’m certainly not interested in debating the merits of cloth versus disposable diapers (disposable, hands down, for the record).

A lot of what has been deemed “women’s interest” is often of little interest to me.

In the ten years that we have been married, I have obviously backed away from friendships with men and have tried to develop relationships with female friends. I should note that this has been a less than easy task for me. But as we spent the afternoon together in Chicago, I couldn’t help but feel like it was just like old times. And I loved it. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed the time I spent hanging out with the guys.

I have grown to see the importance and value of close female relationships, and I have kept some of my guy friends, although our relationships and interactions have changed since I’ve been married. Jesse and I have talked about what is appropriate and inappropriate for us in terms of opposite sex friendships, but there aren’t any hard and fast rules. So I’m a little curious to see what type of contact you allow yourself to have with opposite sex friends… phone calls, Facebook, Twitter, lunch, coffee, dinner? Or nothing at all?

What do you think is appropriate for opposite-sex married Christian friends?

Anyhoo, the dialogue about being homemakers grew into a debate. A less than healthy debate for the body of Christ, at that. I made the decision to stay out of the debate while it was heated, but I firmly believe that continuing the discussion is not only important but necessary. I ran across the Salon.com article that I posted yesterday and an article in USA Today, and they had me thinking…

What if we were all homemakers?

Seriously, what would that look like? Women dominate important sectors of our workforce. Healthcare, education, social services, and the service industry, to name a few. Imagine if all women, or even all Christian women, decided to abandon their careers for homemaking. Now imagine the severe underemployment in jobs we depend on: nurses, home care workers, adoption workers, foster care workers, mental health professionals, teachers, dental hygienists, restaurant servers, office managers, sales clerks and cashiers – the list goes on and on. I can’t imagine it.

Before anyone makes an assumption that men would fill these important roles, let me share an example with you. I worked for several years in social services as a child and family mental health counselor. Several years were with a Christian private non-profit agency. I worked along side amazing women dedicated to children’s services. Foster care workers, adoption specialists, protective services workers, child sexual abuse specialists, therapists, and case workers. These were all amazing, highly skilled women – and yes, they were almost all women. Women dominate this field not only because they are more nurturing and naturally drawn to this type of work, but also because the average pay for these types of professions is desperately low. So low (US pay range for a Master’s level Social Worker is is $29, 000 to $40,000) that it is difficult to attract men into these fields.

So, if men wouldn’t fill the need due to a combination of job interest and compensation, and if all women believed that God required them to be at home, I think we’d be missing some very, very important and much needed professional, career women. And I can’t imagine that not having women serving in these roles would be God’s will, either. These are demanding, difficult jobs, and we need not only women in them, but Christian women. Where would we be without Christian adoption agencies or Christian counseling services?

You may say this is taking the argument to the extreme, and I suppose it is. But saying something is “God’s will” for a whole class of people makes it more or less extreme. You can’t pick and choose: either it’s God’s will or it isn’t. The minute you start making exceptions and designating situations where it’s OK for some women to work sometimes in some circumstances, you’ve crossed the line into legalism – you’re making your own rules. It would be a long stretch to pull anything out of scripture to justify a woman teaching junior high but not, say, managing a restaurant.

I have two questions for you, and the first one is just to satisfy my curiosity and get to know you better :)

What do you do for a living, and is your job one that is typically held by people of your gender?

What do you think the workforce would look like if all women decided to be homemakers?

Evidently not.

As I read through some of the comments on my friend Matthew’s working mom post, I thought it would be fun to post a little Cliff’s Notes-eqsue timeline of women’s history so we could all see just how far we’ve come. Enjoy!

A Very Brief Snap Shot of Women’s History

1848 – The first women’s rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York (I would have totally been there, by the way).

1869 – Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association and organize to achieve voting rights for women.

1920 – Women in the United States get the right to vote.

1942 – “Rosie the Riveter” becomes an iconic symbol of a campaign to encourage to enter the work force during WWII and leads to the American female workforce growing to over 20 million women.

1964 – The Civil Rights act is passed, barring discrimination on the basis of race and sex.

1994 – Beth Moore founds Living Proof Ministries (What!? Beth Moore works out side of the home! Yes, she does. And yes, I only added this to make a point)

2010 – As evidenced by this blog post on Jesus Needs New PR, Christians are STILL debating whether women should work outside of the home. Oh, how far we’ve come… what year is this again?

The Suffragettes must be rolling in their graves.

Do you think it’s possible for a woman to be both a Christian and a feminist?

And not surprisingly other people vehemently disagreed with me (and my husband). We were accused of living outside the will and order of God, not respecting or living under pastoral authority, I was overtly accused of being selfish, and my husband was covertly accused of not being a man.

A lot of the dispute and debate was centered around what it means to biblically provide for your family. And while that post was about Pastor Mark, this one is about my husband. Our provider and stay-at-home day.

Happy Father’s Day honey!

Jesse,

I don’t even know how to put our love for you into words. While I may not say it enough, I love you and appreciate you more than you know. Thank you for all that you do, even (especially?) for the mundane things that go unnoticed.

Thank you for being Jessica’s room day and taking the time EVERYDAY to work alongside her, create with her, and engage in her world.

Thank you for attending every single field trip, cub scout meeting, camping trip, and school meeting with Jacob to make sure that our special needs boy has fun and develops socially despite his limitations. I love that he is your priority and that you will give yourself to him so freely.

Thank you for loving Jocelyn like she is your own. You’re the only the father she knows, and the only father she wants. I couldn’t have picked a better dad for her and can’t believe how blessed we were to find you.

Thank you for supporting my career change. I love you because you are in tune to what I desire creatively, spiritually, and emotionally. You embrace my competitiveness, my drive, and my free spiritedness and encourage and nurture these things in me. You care for my soul, my heart, and my spirit in ways that go far beyond work, or paychecks, or bills.

Thank you for managing our daily routine (especially the bedtime routine!) and giving me the time I need each evening to process my stress filled days and have the time that I need to write.

Thank you for teaching yourself to cook and making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for us everyday. Thank you for doing all of the daily yucky stuff. The dishes and the dusting and the laundry. You provide a sense of order in our home that puts us all at peace.

And most importantly thank you for providing for us spiritually. For covering us in prayer, leading us, and modeling for our children what it looks like to serve others. The volunteer work you do every week at church, at the literacy center, and in their school speaks volumes into their little hearts. Your example is your testimony to them, and to me. And we are richly blessed by it.

I love you. xoxo

Nicole

What is the number one thing that dads/husbands should provide?

I was reminded about this post when I was talking with a friend the other day. It originally appeared a month or so ago on my XXXChurch blog. I thought it would be nice to post it here as a reminder that sexy is a state of mind.

I was five months pregnant when I discovered that my husband was viewing pornography. Many women assume that their husband’s relationship with porn has something to do with the way that they look. This was especially true for me. It was impossible for me to compete with the models featured in adult videos and magazines. Especially during pregnancy. I convinced myself that he wanted to look at these women because he wasn’t satisfied with me or my appearance.

I was devastated.

Before I learned about his addiction I had been very comfortable with my body and who I was. Knowing that my husband had looked at images of hundreds of other women changed that for me. I became almost obsessively self conscious with my appearance. This continued even after our son was born. I did some incredibly unhealthy things in an effort to return to my pre-pregnancy weight but no matter how many pounds I shed I still felt awful about myself. I have never felt so unattractive in all of my life. Ever.

For me sex appeal became strictly physical.

In reality sex appeal is just as much (if not more) a state of mind as it is a product of physical appearance. Even if I had been able to instantly lose all of the baby weight, and added about four inches to my legs, I never would have felt good about myself at that time. I certainly can’t image that I would have felt sexy.

Feeling sexy is a state of mind.

Song of Songs is such a passionate book in the Bible. It’s all about a young couple pursuing each other in their courtship. This couple is incredibly attracted to each other. And even though the woman isn’t satisfied with her physical appearance (Song of Songs 1:1:5,6) she feels attractive. Her relationship with her Lover is one where she is pursued, esteemed, and nourished. Within the safety of that relationship she feels sexy despite her physical imperfections.

When my husband and I began seriously pursuing recovery and restoring our marriage the image that I had of myself was restored as well. As my husband began to heal and he became more affirming of me that level of comfort with myself began to increase even more. I started to feel ok with who I was. And even though I never got back to into the jeans I wore before I had our children, I started to believe that I could feel attractive again.

Sexy is my current state of mind.

How much of sex appeal is physical and how much is mental? Is it different for women and men?

I know that there is more than one verse on submission, but this is only a blog post, not a MDiv thesis, so I’m only citing Ephesians 5:22-24 because that is the verse that he and I happened to be discussing.

“(22)Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (23)For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. (24)Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Jesse said: Jesus is the Savior because he gave himself up on the cross. That’s why can we trust Jesus completely. He loves us enough to die for us, and we can be sure he would never harm us or do anything with us out of selfishness. He is head of the church because he died to serve it.

Biblical submission is a relationship like the one that we have with Christ and like He has with the church. It’s a relationship of trust and of obedience. Obedience doesn’t mean slavery or following orders. Obedience means following your husband in his role as servant-leader and trusting his decisions for your family.

Wives aren’t asked to submit to arbitrary authority; they are asked to submit to sacrificial love.

I think: First of all, I totally love my husband. Who wouldn’t want to devote themselves to someone who wants to serve me out of his passion to sacrificially love me and our children the way Christ loved the church? That is sexy, people.

Aside from being gaga for my husband, I truly believe that God has called me into a relationship of mutual submission with my husband. And I freely give myself to him out of obedience (gasp!) and love.

Given all of the things that I had said about my fierce independence and our working mom/stay at home dad relationship, I can see how it would be easy for people to think that submission is a four-letter word to me too. But I think that submission has been given a bad rap. Some mistakenly think that it means mindlessly giving in to our husbands’ whims or staying at home cooking pot roasts.

I submit to Jesse the same way I submit to God…

I love him with all of my mind, body and spirit.

I respect him as my spiritual leader.

I consult with him and seek his counsel when making life decisions, understanding that all things I do should honor him, God and our family.

And I use my God-given gifts and talents to serve our family (and yes, for me a very large part of that is in my professional career).

So, what does submission mean to you?

AshleyMadison.com, the dating website for married people, tells momlogic exclusively that Mother’s Day is the second-busiest day of the year for female member signups.

On a typical Monday, between 2,500 and 3,000 women join AshleyMadison.com. But on the day after Mother’s Day last year, AshleyMadison.com saw close to 24,000 new signups. They anticipate that 30,000 women will join this year on May 10 — the day after Mother’s Day.

This “day after” trend is nothing new to AshleyMadison.com: Their biggest day of the year for female signups is the day after Valentine’s Day, and their third-biggest day is the day after New Year’s.

Why are holidays like these such turning points for women? Noel Biderman, president and founder of AshleyMadison.com, says, “Because they have expectations — expectations that their partnership will be celebrated and even romanticized — but that is often not what transpires ….”

Biderman (a married father of two) believes there are several reasons why women turn to AshleyMadison.com after Mother’s Day in particular:

On Mother’s Day, women in general expect to be celebrated by their partners. However, for many already suffering from a lack of appreciation, this day represents a continuation of neglect and disappointment.

Women have affairs for different reasons than men. Whereas men are usually looking for sex, women tend to seek attention that they’re not getting at home. This lack of attention often makes them feel undesirable — and feeds their need for validation.

While I have a few thoughts about Mr. Biderman and his website, I can’t argue with his logical explanation about what women need from their husbands. We need to be celebrated, appreciated, desired, and validated. He’s right on.

This article leaves me with one thought for all of the husbands reading this:

“Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it”  - Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, how will you show love to your wives this weekend?

Wives, how would you like to be shown love?