Anyhoo, the dialogue about being homemakers grew into a debate. A less than healthy debate for the body of Christ, at that. I made the decision to stay out of the debate while it was heated, but I firmly believe that continuing the discussion is not only important but necessary. I ran across the Salon.com article that I posted yesterday and an article in USA Today, and they had me thinking…

What if we were all homemakers?

Seriously, what would that look like? Women dominate important sectors of our workforce. Healthcare, education, social services, and the service industry, to name a few. Imagine if all women, or even all Christian women, decided to abandon their careers for homemaking. Now imagine the severe underemployment in jobs we depend on: nurses, home care workers, adoption workers, foster care workers, mental health professionals, teachers, dental hygienists, restaurant servers, office managers, sales clerks and cashiers – the list goes on and on. I can’t imagine it.

Before anyone makes an assumption that men would fill these important roles, let me share an example with you. I worked for several years in social services as a child and family mental health counselor. Several years were with a Christian private non-profit agency. I worked along side amazing women dedicated to children’s services. Foster care workers, adoption specialists, protective services workers, child sexual abuse specialists, therapists, and case workers. These were all amazing, highly skilled women – and yes, they were almost all women. Women dominate this field not only because they are more nurturing and naturally drawn to this type of work, but also because the average pay for these types of professions is desperately low. So low (US pay range for a Master’s level Social Worker is is $29, 000 to $40,000) that it is difficult to attract men into these fields.

So, if men wouldn’t fill the need due to a combination of job interest and compensation, and if all women believed that God required them to be at home, I think we’d be missing some very, very important and much needed professional, career women. And I can’t imagine that not having women serving in these roles would be God’s will, either. These are demanding, difficult jobs, and we need not only women in them, but Christian women. Where would we be without Christian adoption agencies or Christian counseling services?

You may say this is taking the argument to the extreme, and I suppose it is. But saying something is “God’s will” for a whole class of people makes it more or less extreme. You can’t pick and choose: either it’s God’s will or it isn’t. The minute you start making exceptions and designating situations where it’s OK for some women to work sometimes in some circumstances, you’ve crossed the line into legalism – you’re making your own rules. It would be a long stretch to pull anything out of scripture to justify a woman teaching junior high but not, say, managing a restaurant.

I have two questions for you, and the first one is just to satisfy my curiosity and get to know you better :)

What do you do for a living, and is your job one that is typically held by people of your gender?

What do you think the workforce would look like if all women decided to be homemakers?

Words have power. When words are overused, or misused, they can lose their power.

Charles Manson (yes, the Helter Skelter guy) once said:

“You know, a long time ago, being crazy meant something. Nowadays, everybody’s crazy.”

While I know that this guy is totally delusional, he has a point: too much of something can dilute it. And I think that happens sometimes in Christian circles. We create and overuse jargon that gets old, is often misused, and over time loses its potency.

“Fellowship” is one of those words to me. The church is the only place where I’ve ever heard “hanging out” referred to as “fellowship.” And while I’m sure that term was adopted to represent belonging and gathering together in community, over time it has become overused. Now when I hear someone suggest we enjoy some good “fellowship,” I think of mayonnaise-y casseroles and fruited jello molds. And my first inclination is to run away.

Sometimes I wonder if the word “missional” is falling into the overused category (and I sincerely hope it isn’t). It seems to me that being a Missional Church used to really mean something. Something big. Something new. Something Jesus-like. Nowadays it seems like everybody is missional. I hear that buzzword a lot. And it doesn’t always mean the same things anymore. Sometimes it does. Other times it only means that the pastor wears cool vintage t-shirts and boot cut jeans.

And my latest concern is about the word “accountability.” I recently wrote about it on my XXXChurch blog and have been considering the idea of it becoming tired and overused church jargon ever since.

“Accountability” is one of those words that should always mean something. It’s also one of those things that it is incredibly difficult to bring meaning to. Accountability is uncomfortable. It’s something that we naturally shy away from. In the XXXChurch post, I wrote that accountability means,

“that  you are willing to release control and submit to the process. It also means that you are willing to confront difficult situations and have the courage to say the right thing even when it hurts. And it means having the discipline and discernment to preserve the relationship during those difficult conversations by balancing the truth with love.”

True accountability isn’t easy. It asks that you give as much as you receive. And because accountability is tough (and risky), I think it might be losing some of its steam. I would hate to see accountability in the church become about workbooks, DVD studies, pickup basketball games, or weekly gatherings where 20 guys pretend that they all read chapter 4 of “Wild at Heart.”

I hope that we aren’t heading toward the day when “accountability” used to mean something.

What other churchy words have become overused or have lost some of their meaning?

What do you think accountability in the church should look like? Is it important?

I ran across this YouTube clip of Mark Driscoll and the Mrs. answering questions from the platform at Mars Hill Church. This clip is Mark’s response to a question about stay-at-home-dads.

When I first saw this, it absolutly infuriated me. My husband is a stay-at-home dad. By choice (his and mine), so needless to say I disagree. And I don’t think it means he’s less of a Christian. And I know it doesn’t mean that he is less of a man. Nor does it mean that I am less of a woman.

Check it out and let’s discuss.

Here is why I disagree with Pastor Mark:

• My husband is just as capable of loving, nuturing, and caring for our kids as I am. And yes, Mark, he is equally capable of dressing them.
• I fully believe that I can be a “Titus 2 woman” (Titus 2:3-5), one who is self-controlled, pure, busy at home, kind, and subject to my husband even if I have a nine-to-five job.  And yes, it is an honor and responsibility to raise our chidren. It is my greatest honor. However, I do not believe even for a second that I was “built” be to be at home. And by the way, I think that I am an AMAZING mom.
• The passage from Timothy (1Timothy 5:8) is so out of context I don’t even know where to begin. So, let’s leave it at this: look up the ENTIRE chapter, read it, and learn that it has nothing to do with your employment status. NOTE: This is a perfect example of not swollowing what you hear…even if you hear it from a pulpit. Scripture out of context is dangerous no matter who is using it.
• My husband’s ability to “provide for his family” has NOTHING to do with whether or not he punches a time clock. Here are a few ways that he provides for me and our chidren: he supports my dreams, my ambitions and my ministry; he lovingly cares for our three children; he cares for our home and makes sure that our needs are met.
• My husband’s stay-at-home status does not mean that he is idle. He maintains the home; he gives of himself at our church in recovery ministries; he gives himself to our children by volunteering in their school almost daily; he is a constant presence at school and scouting functions to support Jacob, our special needs son (who, incidentally, adores him); and he serves three days a week at a local literacy center where he teaches adults to read.

My family is cared for, and my husband is providing for our family by staying at home. It honors me, it honors our children, AND it honors God. And I’ve read the entire Bible too.  As for the church disciplince… well, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, I have been a stay-at-home mom. I did it for two years and I hated it. Jesse has been doing it for two years and it has been amazing. This works for us. We believe it is important for one of us to be at home, especially to help Jacob. Eventually he’ll go back to work. When they are older and don’t need his constant care, he’d like to go back. But for now, this is what’s best for us. And I’m proud of our family.

I’ve had a lot of respect for Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church in the past. While I have a huge issue with this sermon clip it really isn’t about Pastor Mark. The real issue is that I believe many people in the church feel this way, and it makes me sad, angry, and frustrated.

What are your thoughts on traditional gender roles in the home?

]]> http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/04/thoughts-on-pastor-mark-and-stay-at-home-dads/feed/ 80 http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/01/are-you-a-good-wife/ http://www.nicolewick.com/2010/01/are-you-a-good-wife/#comments Mon, 01 Feb 2010 03:04:33 +0000 Nicole http://www.nicolewick.com/?p=1743 A few years ago I took a women’s issues class when I was working on my counseling degree. We were given a copy of the following essay titled “How To Be A Good Wife” from a home economics textbook written in 1954:

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Right…

So, this was taught in schools and set as the expectation for girls as they matured and became wives. Clearly, many of us aren’t making the grade these days, and I would argue that this was a totally unrealistic expectation even in the 50′s (and I haven’t even seen Revolutionary Road yet). But it begs the question, what are our expectations of women/wives now? Are they realistic?

Despite the utter insanity woven into this passage, I find it interesting that the stated goal is so simple: “Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.” As Christian wives, helpmates if you will, that is in part what we are called to do. Harldy an absurd request.

What makes a Christian woman a good wife circa 2010?

I googled “kaleidoscope” to see how they work and found this definition: “A kaleidoscope is a tube of mirrors containing loose colored beads, pebbles, or other small colored objects. The viewer looks in one end and light enters the other end, reflecting off the mirrors.” I love that because it reminds me of God and his creation.

Really, when you think about it, we are just a few loose beads or brightly colored objects living alongside each other. None of us are very remarkable on our own. But when we are held up so his glorious light can shine on us, we individually become the vibrant objects that we were created to be. And here’s the best part: when we love one another and live in community together, we get to see that glorious light reflecting off of each other creating beautiful patterns and pictures with our lives. God made us to live in community with each other so we can reflect the light of his glory, grace, and love onto each other, just like beads in a kaleidoscope.

1 John 4:12: “No one has seen God; but if we love one another God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”

Now, what does this have to do with anything? I was talking with Jason Harper the other day (look for a post about our conversation and his book Jesus Loves You later this week) and one of the things we discussed was how people’s entire perception of the church is often determined by their experience with Christians. That could mean a good experience or a bad experience. A good, loving, genuine, caring experience with a Christian can leave a positive impression of Christ followers and the church. Conversely, one really bad, judgmental, harsh, condemning experience can lead to someone having a negative perception of Christ followers and the church – a perception that is difficult to turn around. Here’s what Paul says about this in his letter to the Corinthians:

14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? (2 Corinthians 2:14-16).

Through us – me and you – God spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him. Amazing. As we are walking around in the world, living life in our cubicles, classrooms, or neighborhoods, God is using us to give our coworkers, friends and neighbors a whiff of what it is like to know Him. Verse 15 is so powerful it almost scares me. To God, the aroma that we share with others – the experience of Christ that we share with them, could potentially influence those who are saved and those who are perishing.

My prayer is that my life and my offering would be a pleasing aroma not only to God but to those I encounter in this life. I pray that I would share with others a sweet-smelling aroma of Christ. The kind of smell that will imprint a positive memory and joyful emotions on the heart and minds of everyone I meet. And I pray that, like a newborn baby being drawn to it’s mother, this fragrance would influence those who are perishing to draw closer to Christ and experience the type of emotional connectedness and relational bonding that leads to life.

So, here’s my question for everyone: How do you smell today?

I spent the better part of today at my church, The Woods, watching a simulcast of this year’s Leadership Summit hosted by Willow Creek Community Church. I had a lot of take-aways and challenging thoughts as I walked out of the auditorium this evening and have decided to take a little break from the Gospel of John while I sort through those thoughts here. I figured you all wouldn’t mind. I hope you weigh in with your thoughts too. Your comments always help me and challenge my thought process.

Let me start this post with a confession: I have a lot of unresolved “church” issues. Do I love church? Of course I do. But there has been a longing in me for years that I just can’t let go of. Sometimes I worry that we spend too much time worrying about whether someone or some place is emergent, missional, or traditional, or whatever that we miss the point. We need to worry about whether or not we are being the church. I have been waiting all of my evangelical life (16 years) praying that the time would come when I would truly see the church being the church. And I’ll be honest, my glimpses of true, biblical church service have been few and far between. So, when Bill Hybels opened this year’s Leadership Summit by saying that churches need to return to the Acts 2 description of service, I thought, “This is gonna be good.” I fully anticipated that Bill would “let ‘em have it.” What I wasn’t prepared for was the fact that I was one of “them” and boy did I get it.

During the talks two speakers/pastors gave two descriptions of very different church services at their respective churches. Both Bill Hybels and Harvey Carey talked about deconstructing the order of worship in order to fill a need. I had a strong response to both. Hybels talked about blurring the lines of the church service and extending the opportunities for those in attendance to have needs met through ministry. He shared a keen awareness of the pain he sees in the congregation and described the prayer opportunities and creative ministries that are now a part of their regular Sunday services. As someone who has a strong response to worship, I especially loved the idea of having vocalists and musicians play music over people (I would love that). He stressed the urgent need to “pour strength” into the congregation during the services in order to help them through a difficult week.

Then Harvey Carey took the platform. If you’ve never heard him speak well, you’re in for a treat. Download a sermon on itunes and prepare to be moved. Anyway, his challenge was also for the church to get up out of the pews and take action. To do something. Anything. He then described how he does Sunday service at Citadel of Faith here in Detroit. I loved it. Fifteen minutes of preaching, then taking the congregation out of their seats and onto the streets of their local community to serve. They use their time together to meet the needs of the community. Everything is looking outward toward what God is calling them to do with the hope and belief that God will meet their needs when they are meeting the needs of others through service.

So, this was my punch in the gut. I listened to what Hybels described and thought I would love the type of Sunday morning modifications he described. Why? Because they were all about me. And let’s face it, I really like when things are all about me. I would love more time for prayer, prayer for me. I would love more worship music, being sung over me. I would love more creative or expressive teaching elements, if they were filling me up. Do you see a pattern emerging? When Carey started taking about the Sunday service at Citadel being all about service, it humbled me. How much of what I experience on a Sunday morning is really about the Holy Spirit and how much is actually just an emotional response that makes me feel good? My guess is that it’s a bit of both. But I want desperately for it to become all about others. I desire to be more selfless.

Let’s face it, there is something to be said for both approaches. I do want to receive instruction from the Sunday sermon (which is part of what I love about The Woods), and I do want to be ministered to through worship (what I totally love about The Woods), and I want to see us being the church in the community all the time (something that makes me proud of The Woods). I want more of all of it. When we figure out how to balance it all we begin to fully realize the Acts 2:42-47 Church. When we begin to experience the Acts 2 Church, we begin to realize the power of God.

How do we, the church, get there? Is your church doing it? What are your thoughts?

If you’re unfamiliar with Jon, I suggest you check out his writing. He has two blogs: Stuff Christians Like and Prodigal Jon. His writing is fresh, saterical, funny, and right on. You’ll love it. Trust me.

So, if you’re ready for some good church and a fresh look and Adam, lies, and shame, check out Jon’s message, “Adam and the Three Questions.” If you love the video and want to hear more things from Jon, like booty/God/booty (just watch the video!) you can follow him on Twitter or friend him on FaceBook. Enjoy!

I’d love to hear your thoughts about Jon or this message. Leave me a comment!

As I was reading through John 13 today I got a little bit hung up on verses 34 and 35:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Clearly, loving one another is a command. And, if I’m being honest, it sort of makes me a bit uncomfortable. Probably because I know that it is a command that I have a lot of difficulty keeping. I can be impatient, mean-spirited, stubborn and prideful, sarcastic and rude, and generally difficult to please at times. Basically, I have many un-1 Corinthians 13 days.

Don’t get me wrong, for the most part I’m a very nice, caring person. I have lots of friends and my family adores me (right Jesse?). But the command is that we love one another “As I [Christ] have loved you.” Right….

The “As I have loved you” qualifier makes it a bit more difficult doesn’t it? The fact of the matter is that Jesus loves everyone. The distant, the weak, the broken, the addicted, the criminal, the greedy, the sexually immoral, the selfish, the hurtful – everybody. He loves people who are not like me. More importantly, He loves people who are just like me – full of sin and in need of a Savior.

I want to be recognized as a disciple of Christ in all I do. Through my actions more than my words. If that recognition truly does come from my demonstration of love for others, well, I have a lot of work to do. Or, more to the point, He has a lot of work to complete in me. A lot. My prayer is that we, the church, will realize two things. First, He so loved the world – the whole world- without condition or requirement. And second, we are commanded to love people – all people – without judgement or reservation. I think that we, the church, have a ways to go before we get there. At least I know I do.

What are your thoughts about this verse or loving people who are different from you? Is the church living up to this command?

P.S. On this topic, I’m reading Craig Gross and Jason Harper’s new book “Jesus Loves You…This I Know”. Amazing. It will be available for purchase at the end of August. Believe me you’ll want to read it.

To learn more about it our to find out about small group materials for use with the book you can check it out here. I’ll be reviewing the book and posting an interview with Craig Gross (founder of XXXChurch) on my blog the week of the book release.

Leading into this passage Jesus has been betrayed, arrested, abused, accused and convicted of blaspheming, and charged before the Sanhedrian. Now he is being brought before Pilate to be sentenced to death. In the first few verses of chapter 23, Jesus is being accused of all sort of things, but the accusation in the first part of verse 5 really stood out to me: “He stirs up the people all over Judea by his teaching.” That is an amazing accusation! Jesus’ words and instruction have everyone stirred up. He has them excited, energized, motivated, taking action. As I read and re-read those words I’m not sure if I feel convicted, inspired or a little bit of both.

It makes me wonder what people are saying about me. Is the presence of Jesus undeniable in my life? I would hate to think that others view me as someone who ‘punches the clock’ so to speak on Sunday mornings, experiencing Jesus just as long as I am sitting in a church pew – nothing less, nothing more. Sometimes I live a stirred up life. Other times mine is a habitual faith.

I want to be stirred up the way the people of Judea were stirred up – everyday, all the time. I want my stirred up-ness to be evident to everyone around me. I want to live my life in a way that the crowds around me shout “There is something going on with her!” I long to have a passion for his teaching that shocks people. I want to be accused.

Are you stirred up? What are your thoughts on Luke 22 – 24?

Tomorrow I’ll be reading John 1 and 2