Coming Clean About Infidelity
I wrote this post for wives a few weeks ago for my XXXChurch blog but thought it was worth repeating…
I saw these stats on infidelity and thought they were interesting. Sadly, I thought that some of them looked a little low.
The section on why people have affairs really struck me. If these studies are accurate, it appears that men have affairs for physical reasons, whereas women have them for more emotional, intimacy-related reasons. The reasons for men are; 44% want sex more often and 40% want variety in their sexual partner. The three reasons listed for women are: 40% want more emotional attention, 33% want to be reassured that they’re still desirable, and 11% cheat for revenge.
As wives of men addicted to sex and/or pornography, we are susceptible to these three things. We often feel emotionally isolated, undesirable, and angry (even to the point of wanting revenge) as a result of our husbands’ addictions. These feelings can lead to fantasizing about old boyfriends, coworkers, or friends from church. The fantasies may not be sexual but more commonly are about having what we’ve idealized as the perfect relationship. What may seem like harmless, secret fantasies are actually a slippery slope to adultery.
James 1:14-15: ”But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”
Wives, we may have been hurt and we may be very, very angry, but we must always guard our hearts and walk in His righteousness.
Which of these stats do you find most shocking? What advice to you have for affair proofing your marriage?
I’m with you, sounds awfully low to me. Just knowing what I know.
I’m with you, sounds awfully low to me. Just knowing what I know.
I just can’t imagine what it would be like to want a man to be emotionally present ever. The level of prostitution and porn worldwide now points to something more insideous– men choose to buy women to humiliate and dominate them, the sexual variety they crave is gonzo porn, beating prostitutes, raping girls, having unsafe sex with prostitutes. That’s what the “craving” for variety is all about.
As long as patriarchy and male dominance rule, infidelity is simply part and parcel of the process of domination that all men are indoctrinated in worldwide.
All I have to say is…
What you wrote is spot on.
A slippery slope…
What I wonder is this… this is only the “reported” statistical database of results, right? I wonder how much higher the results would be if they tapped into those who didn’t “report” …
I agree with them… for women, it seems like the biggest threat is lack of feeling connected emotionally…
I would bet it’s a lot higher statistically for women. When I was working in the church I found more and more women coming to me that got invovled with guys they met in chat rooms. A lot of times they told me “it’s not real… we’re just friends online.” With a lot of them it turned into more. I would argue anyway that for most women, it is the emotional connection we are craving and that an “emotional” affair with no sex involved can be every bit as destructive. I think women in the church struggle with all sorts of issues with their sexuality and don’t feel safe or comfortable most times getting help at church. One of the biggest failures I see in most churches is the lack of female staff who really can be there for the women in the church to get the help, support and accountability they need when they are at the beginning of their struggle, so it doesn’t reach the point of a full on affair.
I’d hate to know the real stats.
Emotional connection is so important!
I think that’s true on some but not all cases.
Jesse and I are both very careful about that.
We need to talk more about how online is real too. Scary.