A Small Group First (For Me, Anyway)
Last week I spent some time in Boystown with my friend Andrew Marin and new friends Nathan and Kevin from the Marin Foundation. Wednesday night, I was invited to join them for a gathering that they call Living in the Tension and figured it would make a great blog post to close out my June series on LGBT Pride month.
I’ve been trying to write this post ever since.
It’s been nine days since we were with our friends in Chicago, and I still have no words. Nine days. Longer than it took to create the universe for heaven’s sake. I think that the reason I’ve come home wordless is because the gathering was NOTHING like I had expected.
It was so much more.
I’ve been hanging out in church circles for many, many years, and I often think I have things figured out. When I envision gatherings that could be defined as “fellowship with believers” or a meeting to connect for spiritual development, I have preconceived expectations. I expect a Bible study or at the very least a DVD curriculum. I expect that there will be a “leader” who has prepared a lesson. I expect some sort of “worship experience” (whatever that means) that may or may not include flashing lights and a slide show. Basically, I expect it to fit my churchy script.
This was different. There wasn’t an agenda, there wasn’t a workbook full of fill-in-the-blank verses or fruit of the Spirit acrostics. There wasn’t a program. The “program” puts authenticity at risk. And I think that programmed authenticity is the reason that many of us are so skeptical of the word “authentic” anymore.
It’s hard to put into words what it was like to sit and talk with a room full of people who, despite differences, are hungry for God. And the differences were striking. Different races. Different genders. Different orientations. Straight couples. Same-sex couples. Celibate gay Christians. Those with conservative theology. Those with more liberal theology. And those who were unsure about any of it. What was amazing was that the conversation wasn’t focused on the differences. The conversation was focused on Jesus and how we all struggle to experience Him more.
I have some conservative friends who subscribe to the “love the sinner hate the sin” philosophy and are at best hesitant about what the Marin Foundation does. I have other friends who are gay Christians and disagree with them because they don’t take a strong stand rejecting the conservative idea that same-sex attraction equals sin. I wish that all of those friends had been with us that night.
In that tiny room in a hot church basement, I saw something that I have never seen in a church small group before. People were being honest and vulnerable with each other as they stripped away pretense and shared about their true struggles. I saw people inviting God into all of their dark places, places that have typically been top secret in other small groups I’ve been in. They talked about things that we typically consider impolite church conversation. People shared about sexuality, violence, prejudice, hiding their true identities in the Church, being asked to leave the Church, being burned by the Church, and being marginalized by Christians.
There were also stories of hope and faith. Stories of self-discovery and embracing the process. There were stories of confession and reconciliation that were equal parts tragic and joyful. It was the kind of true, raw discussion about God, life, and spirituality that I’ve never experienced in other, more programmed Christian gatherings. And I think that was what was so startling to me.
I went expecting to see what I have defined as ministry. Instead I saw the Church.
I've always disliked programmed small groups. After or during the church growth movement, it would seem somewhat necessary for connecting with others & for spiritual growth. But it feels like the church has forced something that needs to happen naturally. The result is OFTEN polite surface level talk with people u don't really want to hang out with outside of group. That being said, I'm not sure of an alternative.
wow. “Programmed authenticity.”
I wonder how many of my circles could be described as this. I've sought in my own story to be intentionally more authentic this year. I exist in ridiculously conservative circles, and it would be really easy for me to hide the fact that I have a lot of really difficult stuff in my testimony, so I've sought to move past the scared – and share.
In the end game… it may be that exact thing that leaves me w/o those same circles… but that's ok because I don't think God has designed us to wear a mask – whether it is a mask of shame, OR a mask of programmed authenticity.
Dang girl… your post has me going… I will be thinking about this today.
Andrew and Nathan are pushing out the edges of what it means to be in relationship with Christ.. they are tearing past the scrim of the worlds of “church” “conservative” “liberal” and “the world” to build conversational bridges … i love it…
I wish we could get past all that stuff. I didn't think it was really possible in the American evangelical church until I went to this group. It was unreal.
I don't know about you but having nothing deeper than polite surface talk makes me CRAZY!!!
Wow, this is amazing, and kind of heartbreaking at the same time.
My husband and I really struggle with community and authenticity, in that we worship at a church that *wants* to have the raw real church you are describing here and understands deeply the *why* it should be occurring in the church body, but for a variety of reasons a lot of people within tend to fall back into the programmed approach often. That's not to say we don't have pockets of people who get this, but trying to change the overall mentality of the culture of our church and many suburban churches can seem daunting.
My personal opinion is this is how Satan is rendering a lot of churches and the people in them ineffective– getting people to believe that as long as they continue to show up at church, serve, lead, and blessing the blessed (the others in their church just like them) that they are living fully for the Kingdom.
In our case, we had to go through gut-wrenching fallout of a very public sin in front of our church body, and because of that experience we KNOW the gospel to be true when it comes to confession and unconditional love and mercy and grace.
The polite surface talk drives us crazy also~ and we often have to move past scared to share also; for fear of rejection. But we always tell ourselves that our place is to shine God's truth and light, not hide behind it.
Thank you for the reminder, truly. I'll be thinking about this for awhile too; and praying that this kind of rawness will permeate or churches and transform people's lives.
Blessings,
Lindsey
We have so much in common! We should chat some time :)
I don't do chatty well at all. It makes me crazy too when I know our encounters with each other can bring encouragement and life and joy and hope and we don't scratch the surface.
I've been trying to come up with a comment on this post since it went up, and like Nicole, I struggle to find words.
I was with Nicole at Living in the Tension. Based on what I'd read in Love is an Orientation (plug, plug) it actually looked the way I expected it to look – I mean in terms of format, not really being programmed, etc. Procedurally, it went more or less the way I thought it would, including the long, awkward, almost unbearable silences.
What I did not expect was the way it got to me inside. When the awkward silences were over and the real outpouring of hearts and minds began. When I realized that not only did I not have a pat answer for any theological question or life decision at the “head” level (already knew that), I didn't have anything meaningful to say at the “heart” level to those who shared their experiences. Nothing that would “help,” so to speak. And yet afterwards I wanted to cry. And then move to Chicago so we could go every week. (And also so we could live in Chicago.)
And that's all I have to say about that.
I am speechless Nicole (and you too Jesse). Thank you for driving across 3 States to join us that evening. It was, and you are, so special. Much love.
When I started out getting my D. Min. at Columbia Seminary, we had to read Kathryn Tanner's “Theories of Culture.” To say it was a difficult read is putting it midly; it was a pain in the tush to read. But through all of the twisted rhetoric she finally had some gems, one of them being that the church is called to be a “Community of argument.” She says, “What unites Christian practices is not, then, agreement about the beliefs and actions that constitute true discipleship; but a shared sense of the importance of figuring it out.”
That has really stuck with me, especially in your thought-provoking post. Maybe in our desire to be 'nice' to each other instead of struggling to “figure it out,” we have lost our way to authenticity. Could it be that the way back is to admit our differences and embrace each other, even with those differences? Or especially with them …
I'm half ready to move myself. I love Chicago…
It was our honor to be there. I can;t wait to see you again in September!
I love, love, love that quote. Your comment has me thinking about all kinds of things… thank you for leaving it.
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Yeah, I agree.
I think the “program” gets in the way of worship services, small groups and just about every other kind of ministry. I create alternate/experiential worship, and I've been trying to get my home church to allow me to create something for them – for free. They are hesitant because they can't figure out how to program something that doesn't have a set program. They control the responses of the people at each worship service, small group, etc. and letting people experience God and communicate with God in their own with the guidance of some experience leaves them feeling threatened. So people come each week and walk back out the doors without having a chance to respond or be changed. It's very frustrating, but it's encouraging to know that someone is doing “Church” instead of programmed ministry. (copied to Andrew)
That makes me feel so sad… by the way, what exactly are alternate/experiential worship experiences? Sounds interesting.
Yes, we should :-) Would be nice :-)
Real community at its best is usually missing from the more programmed Christian gatherings, although I have seen it occasionally as was described in Acts. I have wondered where it went? Especially since it was supposed to be the church who was supposed to set the example.
That's truly awesome! I read “Love Is an Orientation” twice and even bought the book for my family. It really has helped alter the way I've viewed myself. I've always wanted to know where they meet bc I wanted to attend some meetings, so where did you all meet?
You can find the Marin Foundation contact info at their website, http://www.themarinfoundation.org.
The meeting was at an Evangelical Free Church on N. Ashland. I don't recall the exact address and I don't know the exact schedule of when they meet, so you would want to contact the foundation first.
I think that I have a tendency to want order and nice and neat. So what I end up doing it looking for a program. I think that will fit me and help me. But, I have filled in one to many blanks and it rarely makes me feel closer to Jesus. When what I am really hungering for is authenticity and people who get me and people that I can just spend time with and get to know, sometimes it feels like the “programs” get in the way. My family and I have been in “ministry” in the inner city for 14 years now. What we are finding is that to live and love we have to break some of the rules. To feel connected to others who are struggling the same way to be vulnerable and invite others to do the same means that you venture out in ways that the rest of the world sort of thinks you are crazy in. It is risky to live out Church. But, it is where we need to be. Out of the comfortable places where we understand, is the adventure. Sometimes we need to go to the program because we like the show. It isn't all bad. But to get to be with the people, that is something we have to redefine. Thanks for sharing…
I wonder the same thing.
I think that the schedule on Andrew's blog may be more accurate: http://www.loveisanorientation.com
It makes me sad to hear everyone crying for more authenticity (myself included). The church is missing it and I don;t know how we work around that. Thanks for your comment.
Maybe it's just my AAD, but I can't STAND boxed curriculums! I've always hated them. People get so worried about following the book or reading the right thing at the right time. I think that's how folks miss the actual point.
I'm a transgender man, and used to run a Bible Study for other trans folks. We never really had a strict structure to it. The most important time for me was in the beginning. I did my best to find out what it was that brought them there. What type of specific things they were looking for or looking to learn. But if they didn't know, that was cool too.
We would roll along through the Scriptures. My general 101 study pattern is: What are you looking for?, Bible overview, Queer/Trans voices in Scripture, Tiny Books, and Odds & Ends. Tiny books is my excuse to get in things like Jonah, James, & other little reads. Odds & Ends are the weird stories no one really talks about.
*shrugs* That's what I've got. This is a cool post though. I think I'll wander around your blog a bit.
I'm so glad you came by my blog :) Do you have one? I would love to see one of your bible studies and am thrilled that you are ministering to other trans men and women. And I agree, the boxed DVD set are usually pretty awful.
It seems to me like this is the way it should be all the time but seldom is. We are all in need of the same grace and mercy. We are all broken. It seems like so many times as “christian” groups we come together with individual agendas to help set each other straight and fix each other, and uphold the truth, instead of coming together in thanksgiving for God's amazing love and patience for each of us. Life for me these days is less about me trying to prove I'm right and more about thankfulness for His love and kindness. It only makes sense for me to extend that grace and mercy and kindness to others, incuding the ones that I find to be annoying or who I think are flat out wrong. God is big enough to be continuing to change my heart and transform my life. I'm thinking he could do that in other people's lives too. Mercy is a powerful gift to give to each other. I'm still wrestling with a lot of issues that many people see as black and white. But bottom line… I know I'm called to love and I know God can keep working to sort the rest out for me. Thanks for this post. It is encouraging to me. Maybe we all be bridge builders.
Hi Nicole. Might be my ADD again, but I have 3 blogs. :-) I'm not quite sure if I'm living the stereotype of doing a few things not as well as I could do one. But I can't seem to figure out how they work together. So I run them separately for now. Any ideas you have along those lines are appreciated. :-)
http://www.faithonthefloor.com Sort of running commentary on faith, activism, and queerness.
http://www.biblebylincoln.com I almost didn't buy the domain for that, because it sounds a bit big-headed. But I consider this a kind of “virtual dinner napkin”. It's an online space where I post up sermon notes, Bible study outlines, Scripture things I notice, and other Bible stuff from the 100's off odd little papers strewn everywhere!
http://www.talkaboutgayracism.com This blog is really new. As a white guy, I've spent the last few years learning about racism. I was under the impression I thought a lot about it. Then I got into my current relationship. My fiancee is a black woman, and I quickly learned that I merely thought about racism more than some of my white friends! Being with her has opened my eyes to thinga I didn't know existed. So I wanted to look at racism closer. And the one community I know is my own. Hence, this blog.
That's it then. :-)