Bringing Sexy Back
I was reminded about this post when I was talking with a friend the other day. It originally appeared a month or so ago on my XXXChurch blog. I thought it would be nice to post it here as a reminder that sexy is a state of mind.
I was five months pregnant when I discovered that my husband was viewing pornography. Many women assume that their husband’s relationship with porn has something to do with the way that they look. This was especially true for me. It was impossible for me to compete with the models featured in adult videos and magazines. Especially during pregnancy. I convinced myself that he wanted to look at these women because he wasn’t satisfied with me or my appearance.
I was devastated.
Before I learned about his addiction I had been very comfortable with my body and who I was. Knowing that my husband had looked at images of hundreds of other women changed that for me. I became almost obsessively self conscious with my appearance. This continued even after our son was born. I did some incredibly unhealthy things in an effort to return to my pre-pregnancy weight but no matter how many pounds I shed I still felt awful about myself. I have never felt so unattractive in all of my life. Ever.
For me sex appeal became strictly physical.
In reality sex appeal is just as much (if not more) a state of mind as it is a product of physical appearance. Even if I had been able to instantly lose all of the baby weight, and added about four inches to my legs, I never would have felt good about myself at that time. I certainly can’t image that I would have felt sexy.
Feeling sexy is a state of mind.
Song of Songs is such a passionate book in the Bible. It’s all about a young couple pursuing each other in their courtship. This couple is incredibly attracted to each other. And even though the woman isn’t satisfied with her physical appearance (Song of Songs 1:1:5,6) she feels attractive. Her relationship with her Lover is one where she is pursued, esteemed, and nourished. Within the safety of that relationship she feels sexy despite her physical imperfections.
When my husband and I began seriously pursuing recovery and restoring our marriage the image that I had of myself was restored as well. As my husband began to heal and he became more affirming of me that level of comfort with myself began to increase even more. I started to feel ok with who I was. And even though I never got back to into the jeans I wore before I had our children, I started to believe that I could feel attractive again.
Sexy is my current state of mind.
You are absolutely right! It *is* a state of mind, which for me, is actually harder sometimes to grapple with.
If I were like a man (yes, big generalization here) I could just put on my physical cap and forget the rest – go with it! But with the mind, I have to care, I have push past any and all of my “issues” and enter into real intimacy.
Great post Nicole!
Sarah Mae,
Your suggestion that “if I were like a man…” is hurtful & unhelpful. You are not a man. If you were critiquing male privilege or sexism or something like that, I would be all for you speaking for men (myself included!).
However you've restated unhelpful and untrue stereotypes which ultimately damage men and women. How many men deprive themselves of emotional attachment and intimacy because they keep hearing “[REAL] men can just put on a physical cap and forget the rest.”? In the end, that hurts themselves and the women (or the men) with whom they are partnered.
Brian, I am sorry to be offensive, please forgive! I'm not sure how untrue it is though…I mean, I'm not saying men aren't in it emotionally (heck, I think that is exactly how they feel most loved!), I'm just saying that it's obvious that men are more…um, wow, I just don't have the words.
sorry.
Anyone?
I was following you ;)
I'm not following you, unfortunately. I find it helpful to say exactly what we mean; which is easier said than done for someone like me who grew up in the church. When we say what we mean, we are able to own our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and others are able to (more) clearly understand them.
So rather than responding to any of the number of things I think you might mean, I'd really just like to know what you meant :)
PS As a disclaimer, I generally don't get personally offended. I'm a pretty confident guy with an amazing and supportive community. Generally, when I call something out it's not because my feelings are hurt and I need an apology but rather I see some problematic on a larger scale–and am hoping to help make a change.
I've had this in my queue of things to read for awhile and I'm glad I finally got to it. I don't know when it happened, but I suddenly (probably about 2 months ago) started to feel very sexy and attractive. I'm a single woman who desires to be married, and a lot of my confidence (or lack thereof) came from the fact that being single must mean that I'm unattractive. So I didn't think I was. But, after I started to feel sexy, I feared that God would take it away. I feared His repercussions instead of believing that He created me as a beautiful woman and that he wants me to enjoy His creation as much as he does. As I grow in my faith, it's amazing to realize how many lies I've believed about God. But anyway…
In my opinion it's mostly mental. These are the things that have worked for me: Realizing the imperfection of humanness and embracing that. It's letting go of my need to unrealistically be perfect. I think I'm learning to really like who I am in a lot of different areas; acceptance begets acceptance.
I am now more confident in who I am as a woman. I like it!