A Woman’s Role
A very good friend of mine has this magnet on her refrigerator. I almost died laughing the first time I saw it. Now, before anyone gets agitated, let me clearly state that I don’t believe that cooking or caring for a home is satanic. That said, I appreciate the humor here.
Recently I tweeted a post written by my friend Sarah Mae about women choosing to raise their daughters to be homemakers and her decision to raise her daughters in this way. I strongly disagree with every point of her position. This isn’t the first time she and I have disagreed, nor will it be the last. But, I love her heart, I love her willingness to graciously respect our differing opinions, and I commend her for talking a bold step in doing something that, given the responses she is receiving, is viewed by some as controversial.
Jesse and I are no strangers to child-rearing controversy. We’ve been criticized for my decision to maintain my career and work outside of the home and for our decision for him to stay home with our children. We’ve been accused of living outside of God’s order, blaspheming, and believing Satan’s lies among other things.
Despite others’ opinions, it is our decision. And I believe that our decision is just as important, valid, and respectable as decisions made by families who choose to have mom stay home. Or families who have two working parents and choose daycare. Or parents who choose to raise their children as homemakers.
This is the right decision for us. And I’m quite certain that God is cool with it.
And He has blessed it. Tremendously.
I think girls and women should do whatever they are called and gifted to do, simple as that. Men and boys too. I am an egalitarian through and through.
WWMDD? What would Mark Driscoll Do? :)
I'm a work-outside-the-home Mama, and I totally agree with you!
We're Christians and have read the same verses that many quote to defend that women should only be homemakers, and have come away with a very different opinion. I am totally at peace with my decision to work and think my son Miles benefits in many ways from being in daycare. (Loved Jessica's post on that!)
I do appreciate the way Sarah Mae goes about discussing the topic though.
Don't even get em started on that…
Agreed!
I work “outside the home” which is really a misnomer because I work remotely FROM my home. Still, I have Jadyn (almost 5 years old) in daycare 4 days a week because it would be practically impossible to focus for more than 5 minutes at a time if I had her home with me 24/7. The great thing is that it affords me the flexibility of being home when she's sick, taking her to appointments, visiting her when the daycare does special projects, etc.
What do I think about moms working outside the home? I think it's none of my business. Just like it's none of theirs what I do. It's a family decision and I believe God leads each of us differently. God didn't show our family that He wanted me to stay home. Instead He put in front of me an amazing opportunity to serve in ministry in a way that earns an income.
I'd like to think that I'm raising my daughter to seek out what God has for her, whatever that may be. So far we see potential a variety of areas, from aircraft design to performing arts. She could very well decide to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, and that is between her and God. I'm not going to point her in any specific direction, just in God's direction.
I WILL teach her how to be a responsible adult – to do laundry, to clean, to do basic cooking (that's all I can do) but that is because if she will need to know how to do all these things just by nature of being a grown up. I'll teach her about childcare because she seems to love children and would probably make a great babysitter when she becomes a teenager.
I agree… Titus 2:4-6 was used in one of the posts and I completely disagree with the interpretation of that scripture. I loved Jessica's post too.
What I will say about Sarah Mae is that she and I disagree about a lot of things but I still like and follow her… that's because she is open to having conversation even with people who disagree.I appreciate that.
My mom had to work outside the home as a widower, otherwise we wouldn't have survived. If she had a choice, she would have loved to have been a stay-at-home mom. Does that mean that that is all women and mothers should do? In my opinion, no. God has given each of us different gifts and talents, and for some, that means working outside the home. For others that means staying at home.
Should we be raising our girls to be stay-at-home wives and mothers? That's a personal conviction. But girls should definitely be taught how to be godly wives and mothers. Regardless is they're going to stay-at-home or work outside the home.
On a side note, I don't even have kids yet. But one day I hopefully will, and I want my daughters to dream big and follow after God's heart. However those dreams may play out, my prayer is that they honor God in all they do!
“Should we be raising our girls to be stay-at-home wives and mothers? That's a personal conviction. But girls should definitely be taught how to be godly wives and mothers. Regardless is they're going to stay-at-home or work outside the home.” – Very well put. I agree.
And you my friend, are a wonderful wife and mom! xoxo
The Baptists and Independent Conservative Christian groups have higher divorce rates than atheists and agnostics and even (gasp) Methodists. I actually requested our pastor (who also happened to be my future father-in-law) not to read verses about submission and to leave out love, honor, and obey from the wedding vows. This caused quite the controversy- which I didn't want- I was just unwilling to put something I was extremely uncomfortable with in my vows, which I took very seriously. Galatians states we are all ONE under Christ. I believe we are all to be respectful to those in authority of us. Thankfully, western culture, at least, does not demand women be subject to men. And we are all better for it.
We are raising our daughter to be self reliant and self sufficiant financially. It's easier for a woman with a good education and career skills to be a homemaker if she chooses to than it is for a woman with good homemaking skills to start a career if she chooses to (or needs to). If we had a son, we'd raise him the same way. No one should get married because they can't earn enough to live on or because they need someone to do the cooking and laundry. It works both ways.
I have strong feeling about this too. I was just telling my husband that I think my next post will be on submission.
I totally 100% agree. There's a point where I think that this discussion has to address the practical as you address here. Thank you!
That article made me want to cry. My heart just breaks for little girls being raised in homes like this, especially if they have brothers. I can't imagine what it would have been like to grow up hearing my brother be told that he could be whatever he wanted, and that my life would be confined to the house.
I think there is something to be said for finding a balance. I am NOT of the camp that believes women should stay home and raise the babies and clean the house – even though that's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm happy doing it. Sometimes I wonder if I ever wanted to do anything else. I think we women all have our gifts and talents. It's insulting and completely unimaginative to assume or proclaim that ALL women should be a certain way to please God. And let's face it – staying home to raise your child is a luxury, whatever parent that might be. Our family followed a job for my husband and moved away from our beloved hometown, and one of the benefits is that I could quit my two part time jobs and stay home with our son. It's right for our family, right now, but that doesn't mean I won't go back to work someday.
Still, I think there is something to be said for a mom teaching her daughters to be effective in the home; mostly because I know it's such an uphill battle for most women to manage their homes, me included. I think it would be great to prepare your daughters for the very real possibility of housewivery. My mom was a total martyr about it all – she worked outside of the home when we were older – and I definitely don't want my children to take for granted how much work it takes to keep a family running smoothly!
I have three brothers and am so glad that wasn't my experience.
I had a LOT of guilt when I went back to work after 8 weeks. I think it was only helped because she was at a registered home babysitter. A lady I had worked with for a long time. Being in a job that was very flexible, I missed no school programs/awards/recitals, etc in 18+ years. I wondered many times, though, if I had done the right thing. I guess I did, because she told me once that she debated several kids (I think she was a senior) about stay-at-home moms vs working moms. She flat out told them that I never missed anything & that she thought she had turned out ok so far!!
I spent quality time when we had it. At the park, reading every night (til she was 12 or so), at her ball games, doing homework. It is a balancing act, but so is life. I think preparing them for good times & bad is essential. I'm not so sure only steering them in one direction in today's world is fair to them. I love that she has a heart for mission work. I love her compassion for those around her. She got that from being out in the world, not in the kitchen. And she's pretty good in the kitchen! Gee, I miss reading to her at night sometimes…..
I agree. ANd I was a stay-at-home mom for 2 years myself so I have total respect for women who make that decision. It wasn't the right one for me or our family. I agree with your statement that talent as and gifts play a part in this decision. And that it is a luxury.
My husband and I do believe strongly on one of us being home if possible and like your situation, my employment commands a much higher income than his so it was an easy decision for us to switch roles. Plus he is AMAZING at it.
You're right, all of life really s a balancing act.
I think we should raise our girls to be mothers. And our boys to be fathers. Whether THEY choose to fill those roles in or outside the home is solely up to them.
Here, here!! And hi! How have you been!?
I honestly have no idea where I stand! My grandmother stayed at home with her 13 kids and my mother stayed at home with her 9 kids and I stay at home with my ONE and only son.
Even though we have lived in the groove of being SAHM in our family, at the age of 16 I was ordered to find a job and work to support myself when I turned 18, and I did so for over 7 years. When I got pregnant for my son I was laid off the day before we found out we were pregnant and I could not find another position, and I still havn't. My husband and I have no qualms about it one way or the other, I just now have a personal conviction to STAY with my son. I don't think that anyone can raise him better than I can.
i stay at home with my kids…
… with that said… i believe we should be raising our daughters to love the Lord first and foremost. Then we should be training them to love others.
YES, we should be raising them to be good wives, but that doesn't mean they're homemakers. there are MANY homemakers that are horrible mothers. i'd rather be a good mother with an outside job than a horrible mother that stays home with my children.
a good wife loves and respects her husband. you don't need to be a homemaker to do that.
i'm curious. what happens if the daughters don't get married? if my mother had raised me to be a “homemaker” instead of a woman who pursued the desires and gifts and talents that God has given me (business skills, writing skills, etc), then i would be nothing but a burden on society at this point… 35… and unmarried… and no courtship in sight. if had nothing but a “homemaker” training, then i'd probably be living off of the state, yes? i'm fairly certain i would not still be dependent on the home & pocketbook of my parents!
i've no doubt that sarah mae is pursuing the path she feels God has for their family, so i cannot question intention. however, what would be wrong with training daughters (while in the home) to be home managers, but encouraging any dreams or talents that present themselves, whether they be in education or career or any number of things? what's wrong with dual training?
i seriously can't wrap my brain around what would happen if her daughters aren't married after a certain point!
I have the same concern… or should they become unmarried (divorced or widowed) or if their husband becomes disabled.
And you are one of the best moms (and women) that I know. xoxo
I believe it's all about what is the best choice for your family. If it's for you to stay home and God has provided for you to do that… well, that's awesome!
Hilarious! Magnet! :D
I was raised by a single mom. She stayed home while we were still quite young, but then went back to work. She didn't raise me to fill any particular “role.” Instead, she raised me to find and root my identity in Christ and to serve Him with my whole heart. She taught me that should be my goal first and foremost in life. If marriage and a family and staying home to take care of kids was part of that, then so be it. But, if not, that was okay too. And honestly, at 25 I appreciate that more every day. I don't know that I fall strongly into either camp – raising girls to stay at home or not. But, I do know that it bothers me when we tell them she should be a certain way or that there is only one right role for them to fill in life. I think while Scripture lays out the roles of husbands and wives and in that sense men & women, I think it's clear that we are each created with a unique purpose as well.
I was wondering when someone would comment on that!!! Isn't it wonderful!!!
Sounds like you have a very wise mother. :)
I'm not a mom so not sure how much weight my thoughts will hold in this convo but I will say that I agree with you Nicole. I think every family and every woman needs to figure out what is going to work best for their family and then set about to make that happen. A lot of my friends are SAHM but I have some friends who for the sake of them and their children it is best that they work outside the home :) I don't think there is hard and fast, only one way to do it. Each family has to do what is best for their family. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hi, Nicole! I'm a new reader but am loving your perspective and insight! I'm currently a work-outside-the-home mom, but am considering staying home this fall. It's a big, messy, complicated decision for me, because I NEVER thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom. I want to work! But for our family right now, it's looking like it might be better for me to work at home and spend more time with our kiddo. I'm feeling more stress and confusion over this than I ever did about going back to work after she was born!
I actually commented on Sarah Mae's blog about what I think on this topic, and I haven't changed my mind. My parents raised me to be whoever GOD created me to be! That means my mom did teach me how to cook, clean and do laundry (yuck.), but I never had a doubt that going to college and beginning a career were just as (or more than, if you ask me) important as all that. And I'm so thankful that she prepared me for all phases of life, not just the one where I stay home with my daughter.
yeah.. what she said!
oh how i love you! :)
Hello everyone! :) I'm *that* girl who raises up homemakers! My poor poor girls… ;)
Ah yes, the cartoon at the top, one can't help but smile. I do (shockingly) have a different perspective on it though…kind of like how Jesus didn't grasp equality with God, but submitted to the Father, “giving up” His goals and dreams to serve…and there in lies the clincher…to serve. Yes, it is true, I have given up some goals (not dreams) to stay home and raise the babes from morning until evening, but I suppose I see it as a blessed sacrifice (NOT an “I'm better then you” sacrifice). Also, I am able to use my giftings while at home…I write, I run a business, and I'm hosting a conference. Just because we crazy ladies stay home doesn't mean we don't work (not that anyone said that, per se, but the general perspective is that we only cook and clean and ain't got time for that there edumication). Pardon me, I'm in a bit of a silly mood.
Moving right along (while trying to put on my serious cap)…
My convictions are my own, but I can back them up with scripture. Many of you have different convictions, including, of course, the lovely Nicole (do I get brownie points for that one?). If you are a Christian and you take the time to study the scripture and pray and seek counsel and, did I mention study the scripture (?) and you come to a different conclusion/conviction, then GLORY be to God! But please, I beg you as a sister in Christ, know what you believe and WHY…and be able to show someone the scripture to back up your beliefs. Remember, we are not our own, we were bought with a price.
“For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galatians 5:13
Thanks Nicole for such a great dialog! Love you! (and praising God for grace and gentle mercies!)
ok… i was a stay at home mom who went to work part time when my youngest was in 5th grade. i know godly women who work and ungodly women who are stay at home moms. there can be no rules and i don't really think God gave any.
that being said…. it is not a decision that a married woman can make on her own. things like the needs of your family and, yes, the attitude of your husband, have to be taken into consideration.
nicole, i know you are getting ready to do a post on submission. my thought on submission is that in the united states there is a knee jerk reaction to the word. i don't think we really understand what it is. it does not mean to never disagree or state your opinion. it does mean recognizing that husbands have been given biblical responsibility for the family. respecting that authority and the person who holds that responsibility is key. i also believe, from personal experience, that the respect and submission i am practicing is a picture of my current respect and submission level to God.
I am a reader of Sarah Mae's blog, and am the mother of two adult daughters. I had the distinct pleasure to be a SAHM when they were young and homeschool them for a time as well as work outside the home when circumstances dictated they go to public school.
I truly don't understand why this must be such a bone of contention among Christians. I think as long as people are searching the scriptures, praying, and seeking God's will for their individual family there should be no reason to point fingers in judgment in either direction. Sarah Mae has a strong conviction to raise her children to be homemakers because she has studied the scripture and God has led her and her husband to this choice. Nicole, as long as you and your husband sought God through prayer and scripture, I don't see why your choice needs to be an issue for others.
Truly, these issues are secondary and shouldn't be a cause for division in the body of Christ.
Please do. I would love to hear your thoughts
Please do. I would love to hear your thougths on this
I “liked” this when I meant to click the reply, because I disagree with what your implying. I believe you are making the assumption that Sarah Mae (or others like her) are limiting their daughters choices or not going to allow them to do something like go to college, earn a living, etc. There could be nothing further from the truth. The emphasis to be a homemaker doesn't have to limit a woman's freedom…that is a fallacy.
Holly, do you believe that all of scripture is inspired and without error?
Can you link to Jessica's post?
Sure, Sarah Mae (do you go by Sarah or Sarah Mae? I want to get it right when we meet in Oct!)
Here's the link: http://jessicaturnersblog.blogspot.com/2010/06/...
I had this wonderful reply all typed out on my phone & then lost it when I hit 'post', but the general gist is this. You wrongfully assume 'homemaking' is all we train our daughters to do. Personally, I would have appreciated having been taught at least SOME basic skills, but both my parents worked and, quite literally, felt I was “better”, and “smarter”, and that it was “a huge waste” of my intelligence to “just be a mom”. Yes, those are exactly the words they used. My parents prepared me for college. I dropped out to get married and have children, and have subsequently been called to homeschool all three. I would be so much more successful in my profession of raising children and running a home if I had received training prior to beginning. Alas, I am forging the way on my own, struggling to follow God's path for my life when my extended family is so very vocally opposed to said path. My husband and I have prayed extensively about raising our daughter to be a homemaker. That is not only what we are training her to do. What she does prior to becoming a wife and mother (or following that season or instead of, even) is entirely between her and God, so I am teaching her the best way that I can to discern His calling on her life and walk in obedience to what He has chosen for her. I'm teaching my boys the same thing. If college is what God chooses for them, they'll be academically prepared. If staying at home to raise children is what God chooses for them, they'll be domestically prepared. If mission work is what God has chosen for them, they'll be emotionally and scripturally prepared. Etc, etc, etc. Whatever the plan for them, I will stand strong in support of them, wrap them in a blanket of prayer, and be confident that I have done everything in my power to prepare them for life…as a whole.
i am a single mother.
i work full time in an office (i have a boss and everything and im in the office between 9-6)
and i homeschool full time too (son is in 4th grade – going on 5th).
i get no support or help from the father. at all.
it's very hard. and there are days when playing the dual-role can get overwhelming.
and yet His grace is sooooo sufficient.
whatever the calling. whether its at the work place, your home, or the church. if you obey His voice and His call, His grace will always be sufficient for the season that Hes put you there.
My question is, what do you mean raising your daughter to be a homemaker? Are we discussing the basics of home management (cooking, cleaning, finances, laundry, etc.) I would think that we should teach both our sons and daughters that. I always thought the point of raising children was to teach them 1. to love God and 2. to be self-sufficient adults.
I'm glad my mom taught me both. I grew up, attended college, lived on my own, married, divorced, and am now self-sufficient. I do hope God presents another man in my life (and more children) someday to love and share life with, but if it's not God's will, I'm glad I know I can provide for my self and my son.
I was at home with my kids for 15 years, and just recently went to work in a hospital. I wouldn't say that I'm doing it because I love it, it's just what needs to be done at this point. BUT I'm doing it for my family. I would much rather be at home even though all of my kids are older and don't require constant supervision.
However, I won't raise my daughter to be one thing. It seems to me to be that same sexist attitude that we have towards our girls dating, but the boys can do whatever they want. That may sound a bit harsh, but I want to get to the core of each of my children and find what/who they want to be and what they are suited for, then pursue that course. I think my daughter will be a wonderful mom one day (she already acts like one, compassionate and caring when her brothers get hurt, scolding when they act out), but if her calling is to never have children and be a missionary or pilot or raise horses, that's just fine with me. Same goes for my boys.
And I consider my going back to work a sacrifice. I'd rather not, but I am. I'm sacrificing my time at home with my family so that my husband can finish school.
I'm with you, you gotta find what works for your family.
I am a 22 year old stay at home mom. But at one point in time I thought i would have to go back to work after my daughter was born. I had a job I loved and made more money then my husband. I felt like it was the only time I really felt like i was good at something. But my mom had given up her wonderful high payin job to stay at home with my three sisters and I. I always loved having her home she never ever missed anything. If we forgot lunch or homework she could run it out to us right away. But I just thought there was no way we could afford for me to stay at home. I prayed about and felt that this was Gods answer i just had to work till we could afford for us to stay at home. But i still didn't feel at peace. I continued to pray God would show me what he wants me to do. One month after my daughter was born. My boss who loved me soooo much and always told me i was best employee called and told me she had to let me go. No reason no nothing. I was so angry and applied for other jobs i actually got one of the jobs but then it hit me like a ton of bricks i had been praying for so long that God would show me and he did. I feel so at peace now i know this is his decision! Neways the point of this whole long post is lets all look to the word and pray. If we honestly want to know what God wants us to do all we have to do is ask and then we need to accept the answer when we receive it!