In Case You Were Wondering…
J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye is one of the greatest American novels of all time. Holden, the teenage character at the heart of this story, is struggling with life, and change, and people, and growing up. In the book he describes this dream to his little sister, Phoebe.
I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.
If you have ever loved an addict you know what it feels like to be a catcher in the rye. You know what it feels like to have a bunch of people running around you; spouse, kids, extended family members, coworkers, friends – what feels like thousands of people playing near a big, crazy cliff. You know what it feels like to think your job is to catch anyone or anything that may fall over the edge.
You know what it’s like to believe that you are responsible for other people’s behavior.
And if you’ve ever loved an addict you also know that recovery is a very delicate, fragile thing. It’s a process with ups and downs and good days and bad days. We’ve had some bad days over the past few weeks. The kind of days that make you reexamine priorities and decisions. The kind of days that can make you second guess yourself (and maybe even lose faith if you aren’t careful). I have watched my husband move to the edge of the cliff. And I have watched him make his way back.
For me, these are the days when I find myself standing in the rye once again.
I talk a lot about my recovery from codependency and the freedom that comes when you no longer feel the burden to catch someone going over a cliff. Standing in the rye puts that to the test. It is really, really hard to watch someone you love dance near the edge and have to resist the urge to do things that you think will guard him from it. It’s hard for me to watch my husband struggle with limits and boundaries, to see him lose his balance. It’s especially hard to watch someone you love fall. But, it’s been incredibly refreshing for me to know that I’m not responsible for what someone else does. I am only responsible for me.
It’s freeing to know that no matter how close to the edge my husband gets, I will be ok.
So, all that to say that this is my first post in nearly a month. If you’ve been wondering where in the heck I’ve been, well… we’ve been in the rye. And now we’re both back.
P.S. Thanks for all of the prayers from those who knew what was up.
P.P.S. Is it totally narcissistic of me to think that anyone noticed I wasn’t blogging? Yeah… I though so.
i love you.
Crystal – Thanks :) I love you, too.
We noticed…we just didn’t necessarily say anything :) Good to have you back, and posting such wisdom from your time in the rye.
This post was awesome! I’m so thankful that God had me find your blog recently. You ROCK!
Nicole:
Thanks so much for sharing your heart. I have never commented before, but I have read your blog on a semi-regular basis (I read it when I think to go find it!).
We are dealing with my wife’s nephew, a former worship leader who is struggling, nay, losing a battle with addictions to pornography, alcohol, pain killers and God-knows what else. Most of the family has come to the place where you are, but his grandmother is constantly covering and making excuses for him. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our love for an addict, and a pure and righteous hatred for the enemy of our soul who has attacked this nephew in this way.
Please remember Rob in your prayers… that he will find his way and get to the place where he will allow God to change him. In the meantime, we hold him up in prayer. But we also recognize that his actions and his decisions are not our responsibility. Thanks again for such a timely post.
God bless!
I have missed your posts & your tweets! I missed hearing about your struggles. In the 2 1/2 years I have been in recovery, my husband has only dealt with the surface of what I think is in his head. I know there is anger & resentment & hurt inside, but he doesn’t like conflict if it means hurting my feelings. I can only make suggestions. There are no naranon meetings in our area & I’m not sure about alanon. He wouldn’t go. He had the opportunity for the first 2 years of my recovery. He has attended my medallion birthdays and a few activities. He’s still not comfortable with the spouse of an addict title yet. Reading your posts about your feelings, about how you deal, about how you learn more about you, gives me a peek at what his struggles are. But, it works both ways. I can’t work a program for him. That’s hard. Reaching out in love.
I’m sorry you & your spouse are having struggles. I love your strength. I love how honest you are. You bring me hope. Thank-you.
I have missed your posts & your tweets! I missed hearing about your struggles. In the 2 1/2 years I have been in recovery, my husband has only dealt with the surface of what I think is in his head. I know there is anger & resentment & hurt inside, but he doesn't like conflict if it means hurting my feelings. I can only make suggestions. There are no naranon meetings in our area & I'm not sure about alanon. He wouldn't go. He had the opportunity for the first 2 years of my recovery. He has attended my medallion birthdays and a few activities. He's still not comfortable with the spouse of an addict title yet. Reading your posts about your feelings, about how you deal, about how you learn more about you, gives me a peek at what his struggles are. But, it works both ways. I can't work a program for him. That's hard. Reaching out in love.
I'm sorry you & your spouse are having struggles. I love your strength. I love how honest you are. You bring me hope. Thank-you.