Sticks and Stones
Let me start by saying that using this image made me really, really uncomfortable. I HATE that word and it upsets me when people use it. Hopefully it makes you uncomfortable too.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
We all know that saying. I would argue that most reasonable people would agree that words really can hurt you. I’ve been hurt by other people’s words. Some of those hurtful words were intended to be hurtful, others weren’t. And often times the unintentional ones hurt most.
Just as frightening as our words physically hurting, words have the power to attract and they have the power to repel. The bible has a lot to say about watching what words we use. I love this passage in James:
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. – James 3:9,10
This passage has a lot to do with obvious things like gossip, slander, angry words, and cursing. It has to do with using hateful words like “faggot” and words that attack a person’s race or culture. As Christians, we all know that, right? Right. I also think this passage has to do with more subtle things. Things that slip into popular culture and roll off our tongue.
Monday night I was watching the Grammy Awards (don’t ask why). After the Elton John/Lady Gaga performance I read several tongue-in-cheek, double entendre-type comments on Twitter – from Christians that I actually respect – about the performance being gay or Elton John and Lady Gaga (whose costumes were covered in dirt and soot) being “dirty queens.” Nothing intended to be mean… I don’t think… just sort of haha. I know these same people would NEVER use the word n—–, or any other racially insensitive term. In fact, I’m almost positive they would never say the word “faggot.” But for some reason, “dirty queen” was ok. Out loud. In public.
It reminded me of when people say things like “that’s so gay.” You know, when you’re not intending to show prejudice, you just don’t like something. Well, I hate that phrase, and I was disappointed to see these comments from other Christians. I believe it’s hurtful. And I know that these kinds of comments don’t attract others to us; they divide and repel. I think that James was talking about these kinds of words too.
So, here’s my bottom line: I’ve been very critical in the past (and will continue to be critical) of many mainstream evangelicals’ almost combative relationship with the gay community. Personally, it offends me. Greatly. And I wonder whether the church’s disapproval of the homosexual lifestyle gives some people the illusion that referring to things as “gay” is acceptable?
Do a person’s religious or political beliefs about sexual orientation influence his or her use of words? Should they?
P.S. A friend, @SaintMateo, tipped me off to an organization called Think Before You Speak. It was created to bring awareness to the harmful use of phrases like “that’s so gay.” Brilliant. Thanks, Mat.
I have found that I love some gays more than I like some Christians. Maybe that’s part of the reason I am a fan of Lady GaGa, in all her craziness she expresses more love for others than some Christians do. Her love for her father and what they have been through has just blessed me, even through the lyrics of her song ‘Speechless’, which she wrote for him. I have some very good gay friends and even through their pain, they have been more readily available to be there for others.
At the end of it, aren’t we all broken?
I think too many people equate not using derogatory terms for homosexuals with somehow approving or condoning their lifestyle choices. It’s sad that Christians feel the need to go down that path. It says a lot about what’s in their heart.
Unfortunately, I think it goes both ways. It’s just as bad when people who promote gay marriage (or any other “pro-gay” issue defined as you will) immediately start calling those who disagree with their views bigots or homophobic. It doesn’t matter if the person really is a bigot or homophobic…if you disagree, you’re a bigot. Which, if you look at the definition of bigot, is not a fit.
Words are weapons in this age of electronic connectivity. In many cases, weapons of mass destruction! They also seem to be weapons that many people aren’t qualified to use.
It’s like Rahm Emanuel using the term “retarded.” That’s a term that’s been used in a derogatory way in reference to my autistic son. Emanuel certainly wasn’t using that term in a positive way…and that just feeds people who use that term to degrade my son. So even people who are considered to be very intelligent and politically savvy can have problems with certain words.
Ultimately, I think it goes to the heart of the person.
Right on Rand, right on. I couldn’t have said it any better myself!
Rand – I love you in spite of your taste in music ;) Seriously, I agree with your comment. However, I don’t know any Gaga songs.
Jason – Very interesting perspective on the bigot/homophobic comments. Thanks for making me think. I’m pretty liberal on this issue and have done just what you said. Thanks for challenging that.
Country Cuban – I love when you stop by and comment. That is all :)
Words should be far more carefully chosen than they are in almost any context, but especially when referring to people. Along with that verse in James, 1 Cor 10:23 – anything is permissible, but is it constructive, or useful. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Words have a more destructive ability to hurt than almost anything – I think Proverbs 18:21 makes that clear…what’s more powerful than life and death?
Like Rand says, we’re all broken, sinners – we all need grace, not just from Jesus, but from His people here on earth too.
As for religious/political beliefs affecting speech…I’ve no doubt they do, though hopefully above religion (in its truest sense) outweighs politics every time. I know, I’m a perpetual optimist. :)
David – Thanks for that comment. I agree on all counts. I appreciate you reminding me of Proverbs 18:21. Excellent verse. And I love that you’re a perpetual optimist. I need to be more of one.
It’s interesting that you & Brandi Wilson both had similar topics today. And to top it off I just finished a 7 hr online course for certification in HIV/AIDs required for Pharmacy licensure in WA. I say that because the last segment spoke about a patient’s end of life time. The LAST sense to go is the hearing. So, even when a person is dying & in a coma they still hear the people around them. Family & healthcare workers must stay vigilant about their tone & choice of words around the patient. No matter what that person is dying from.
In recovery I am becoming more aware of the tone of my voice & the choice of my words. I don’t want to have to go back & apologize! I try to talk with more compassion & empathy. Even if it’s someone I don’t particularly like. There are always going to be people I don’t like. People who commit heinous crimes. People who give Christianity a “bad” name because the Bible told them so. Whatever.
I can’t always be politically correct. I can’t change everyone around me (although there are days when I wish I could), but I can change me. From the inside out. It’s all about MY perception. I can choose to be mean or not. I try to choose the not mean.
Great topic, Nicole.
Shellie – Thank you for sharing yourself. I’ll have to go and read Brandi’s post :)
Amen, sister. As someone who lived many years in confusion about my sexual orientation, I understand the battle and how lost these people are. It is horrendously unfair and unChristlike for anyone to treat them differently than anyone else who sins. It is because of Christ that I found freedom and truth… but if we as the very hands, feet and supposedly lips of Jesus was tearing homosexuals down, how are they are going to learn and know Grace? They won’t and WE will have failed them.
Crystal – Your transparency is one of the many, many things I love about you. Thanks for sharing it here. When will we all learn that greace isn’t ours to give? It’s only there for us to receive.
I recommend every Christian read “Love is an Orientation”. In it, you gain a pespective that can only be learned from deep and real relationships with members of the GLBT community. In fact, you’d learn that the word “homosexual” is derogatory to many in the GLBT community. =) Most important, you’d learn what it looks like to love people who are different than you. Great book.
Alex – Haha! I also love Andew Marin. We were introduced this year through a mutual friend. In fact I’ll be interviewing him and giving away “Love is an Orientation” here in the next few months. I’m so glad you mentioned that book. He is awesome!
I love this post. I am from Iowa, where the ban from gay marriage is being hotly debated and in the state supreme court. I have a section on my blog called The Conversation where I engage someone who believes very differently than me (usually an atheist) in a dialogue about faith. I was excited to do a new post with a gay man about his experience with Christians – and how the religious right has made him feel. Words are dangerous, and can be horribly destructive, even when they are meant to be corrective. Anyways, he backed out, and is thinking about it. I hope he decides to jump in, because I believe we need places where healing can occur.
Nicole – thanks for writing this. I have two good friends who are gay. Some people don’t understand how I can be a pastor and have such a close relationship with them. Well, I went to high school with both, and grew up in church with one. I will continue to love them as I always have. They know these things – I love them as brothers, I will defend them against hate, that I pray for them daily.
Sam – Thank for the kind words. That section of your blog sounds interesting. I’ll have to check it out!
Rich – love your heart… how Jesus-like of you ;) That’s exactly how we should all be.
Is there a gay community? Is there a community of folks that refer to them selves as gay or as queens?
Is there a community of people who refer to them selves as N’gahs? You are what you tell your self you are and GOD FORBID anyone else refer to you as what you refer to your self as.
It’s absurd. Neither person is more offensive or acceptable.
We’re all sinners saved by grace who keep on sinning. Get over it. Move on. Forgive.
The best demonstration I’ve seen was from some folks who don’t respond. They don’t entertain it when encountered. They wait for you to shut up then they change the subject.
Personally, for me silence is agreement. But then I’m stupid enough to engage and want to get the last word in.
Right fighters lose a lot of potential friendship opportunities.
Selah ~
** on earth as it is in heaven, I don’t believe any of this is an issue in heaven, but I also believe it will always be an issue here, especially the more we entertain it on blogs.
“Do a person’s religious or political beliefs about sexual orientation influence his or her use of words? Should they?”
I believe that a person’s religious beliefs should absolutely influence everything that they say. For Christians, we are the body of Christ. No matter what we do, we must remember that we are representing Christ on earth. It’s impossible to do exactly what Jesus did; perfection is far out of our reach. But I think it’s a worthy goal to have a Christlike attitude. Attitude transformation is a much more reachable goal than perfection and sinlessness in my opinion. Christ said some tough things to hypocrites, but to sinners? Grace.
I don’t know where I stand on homosexuality anymore, but that doesn’t matter. What matters to me is to “act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with [my] God.” Calling someone a derogatory name doesn’t fit that bill, but loving them and treating them with kindness definitely does.
Steve – I’m both shocked and disappointed by your comment. I thought I knew you better. I’m not one to delete negative comments but that was out right mean and I refuse to have it on this blog.
Almost forgot…
David – I think I disagree… or maybe I’m confused. I confuse easily :)
Brookie – Totally agree.