Are You A Good Wife?
A few years ago I took a women’s issues class when I was working on my counseling degree. We were given a copy of the following essay titled “How To Be A Good Wife” from a home economics textbook written in 1954:
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.
Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Right…
So, this was taught in schools and set as the expectation for girls as they matured and became wives. Clearly, many of us aren’t making the grade these days, and I would argue that this was a totally unrealistic expectation even in the 50′s (and I haven’t even seen Revolutionary Road yet). But it begs the question, what are our expectations of women/wives now? Are they realistic?
Despite the utter insanity woven into this passage, I find it interesting that the stated goal is so simple: “Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.” As Christian wives, helpmates if you will, that is in part what we are called to do. Harldy an absurd request.
The stated goal is a good goal for any wife in my opinion. However, the other things mentioned aren’t exactly that horribly insane. I know when I’m done working at the end of the day the last thing that makes me want to spend time with my wife is her dumping problems on me the minute I walk into the room. Would you want to rush home after a stressful situation to someone who makes the situation stressful the minute you walk in?
What’s wrong with coming home after a long day and having dinner ready for him if that’s something he likes? Acts of service is one of the love languages, after all. :)
Now, the “make the evening his” thing? Um…family time and not just his time. :)
If I had to give a one line response to your question…I’d say a Christian woman should just show love to her husband the way she wants him to show it to her. Define that as you will.
All points taken. I am admittedly sensitive to this type of stuff – thinngs that I see as defining women’s roles (my issue). In all fairness I should also disclose that I work out of the home and my husband is a stay at home dad.
What bothers me most, besides the idea of putting a ribbon in my hair, is the notion that being home with children is easy. I believe that is implied here. At the very least that it’s implied that it’s far less stressful than being at a paying job. I’m sure we can agree that is not true.
As for the dumping problems on him part, there is funny Chris Rock bit about this (I think in Bigger in Blacker but I’m not sure). Hysterical! But I digress…
What makes a Christian woman a good wife circa 2010? (in my eyes)
women work now too
make sure you look good for your man, no matter your home or coming off of work
do have dinner made or the man of the house have dinner made (who ever comes home 1st)
do make sure the kids PICK up after THEM SELF and are well groomed
do make sure all the mess in a house is cleared away for the most part each day
greet your love when they come home with a kiss and a smile on your face no matter if you
just got flicked off on the road or yelled at from your boss
unwind from work together share TOGETHER each other stressful days BUT IN A CALM MATTER NOT TO BE TAKEN OUT ON EACH OTHER!
1950′s wife didnt have a bad idea but to be honset for 2010 women work now and feel the ame amount of stres as the husband does from work but know we just have to share the work load and the house hold choirse.
im not saying to be perfect either just look good for yoru husband and husbands look good for your wife.even if you dont feel like you know the other one will notice and that shows your care in a nut shell.
I have read this, not sure where or when but was not surprised by this silly list of “needs”. I am probably not going to make any male friends with my thoughts on this 50′s version of a womans role in the household and what it takes to make your husband happy. I have been married for seven years and together with my husband for ten years, we have our issues but nothing which shakes the Earth. We approach our household as a team, we both work out of the house and have one daughter. Our time is equal and our time together is devoted to our family as a unit and not based on the needs of an individual. Obviously there are times when one of us is ill or tired and then the 50′s doting will be initiated.
This list was created by men in their need to control the home, or I have watched too many episodes of Mad Men.
Sarah – Well said.
Amy – I love you. And, Mad Men? So true!
Proverbs 31:
10 ¶Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
My friend Carla posted this on my FaceBook page. I thought it was definetly worth reposting here:
Well, I have to say…push aside all the stuff that separates the 1950′s from the 2010′s and you are left with a basic principle: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others”
For me, it goes back to what I like to call “form and function.” The function are those things that are indisputable in Scripture– Biblical mandates that are ageless, culture-less and absolute. Form is the way function is expressed culturally and generationally through the ages of time. In the 1950′s, a man expressed care for his family by working hard outside the home, and the woman expressed care for her family by working hard inside the home. Today, we have different forms, but the function remains: in humility we are to consider others better than ourselves. Yes, Nicole, that defines women’s roles in our culture today; that is not a cultural mandate, but rather God’s timeless truth.
If having a warm supper on the table, the house picked up and the children clean speaks love to our spouse, then we should unselfishly do those things. Love always requires a degree (or many degrees) of selflessness. It doesn’t hurt us or humble ourselves to do this, and it is not our place to specify what those actions should be for others. We are simply to live our lives as women, as men, as wives, as husbands, as mothers and fathers, and sons and daughters in humility, considering others better than ourselves and looking not only to our own interests (no sin there), but also to the interests of others.
For our family, more specifically for me, it means creating an atmosphere of order for Andy. He loves order. (Good grief, the man LIVES for it!!!!) As a young wife at home with children, I learned to pick up the toys and throw them into a big basket as Andy’s car pulled into the driveway. It was admittedly an illusion of order, but it gave Andy a sense of “all is well with the world” as he walked in the door. I still do a quick pick up before he comes home (most days), but now I have the good fortune of a work force (ie, children) to do the lion’s share of that. Still, for us that is “form”.
I personally love this article–I’ve read it before–because it defines the importance of considering the needs of others. It’s funny in the parts that are dated, but still speaks truth to us as women and wives in 2010.
And that’s all I have to say about that. [sheepish grin]
Carla – I just deleted your comment by accident! So sorry! I suck :(
I’m not even sure where to start …
First … this article. I don’t think it relates to today, because very few marriages are so cut and dry these days. And the parts about speaking in a low soft voice, taking his shoes off and making the evening his … maybe sometimes, but maybe sometimes I need that. Isn’t marriage all about give and take – not one person being king and the other a slave?
Second … your question. Good question. What I aim for are the wise words of Jesus, “Love God with all my heart/soul/mind and love my neighbor as myself.” If I do that, I think that covers being the best wife I can be. Loving myself involves taking care of myself and whatever else is my responsibility, so that would make me a good wife. And no one is a closer neighbor than my husband, so if I love him as I love myself things should be good. (our marriage changed the day I realized that if I don’t like/love me, how can I like/love him?)
Third … Vincent, your point? I’ve never felt pressure to keep up with these verses in the literal sense of it. My reasons? A mixed bag of … there aren’t duplicate verses for men and I don’t think God plays favorites. Or because I see these verses as being for both men and women … we should both do all we can to keep our families/households running smoothly.
I think what’s interesting about these rules are that they imply that is what the husband wants. Even as a working mom, I’ve spent tons of time trying to take care of the house, monitor the child, allow my husband down time, and then there are times he says I’m not showing that I love him. Husbands (and wifes) are all different. I love Gary Chapman’s book on love languages, because what I think I am doing (what I myself need) doesn’t necessarily match up with what he needs. Marriages definitely need to be about give and take and both sides taking care of the other and paying attention to the other’s needs. Paul said it best, “wives, love your husbands” and “husbands, love your wives.” Sacrifice and caring.
Healthy people have healthy relationships.
Want a good mate? BE a good mate.
You can do A-Z but have to force your self to do it and live to regret it.
Be your self!
The more I love Jesus, the more I love my wife. The more I love my wife, the more I love Jesus!
It’s pretty simple.
He laid down His life for me, I lay down my life for her!
Honestly? A lot of those things don’t seem so bad.
I’ve been a working wife and mom for five and a half years, and now that I’m at home I would LOVE to be able to make the house a haven for my husband–and for me and my child!
However, even having one toddler is very challenging and requires a lot of running around after her and not a whole lot of cleaning.
I try to be a helpmate to my husband by listening to him, respecting him and submitting to his decisions, serving him by not complaining about the housework or child-rearing (…most of the time), and being patient. Sure, I don’t always meet those goals. But I try!
Jessie
This was such a great read. Reminded me of several things.
When I take the time to keep our home picked up; and get dressed, and get my son dressed, I feel better. Not just my husband. Being a stay at home mom is hard, and I’m in my third trimester right now. So it is VERY challenging to keep things picked up with a 2 year old… and I definitely have days when I don’t get out of pj’s or lounge clothes. But like I said – when I do make the effort, or have somewhere to go; I feel so much better.
I agree with most of the women responding; while the initial read through the essay seems archaic, and my stubborn response is to buck against it… it really isn’t all THAT crazy when you get down to the essence of it. You WANT your home to be relaxing and comforting so that your husband will WANT to come home at the end of a stressful day. I’m lucky and that doesn’t take too much effort on my part. But especially in a society today where there are so many other places a guy can go to unwind at the end of the day – a bar, cigar club, just to name a few – if the home isn’t a place he wants to go, it can create unnecessary conflict.
My marriage isn’t perfect, but we do try to be considerate of each other and show each other how much we are in love. I feel like God is making this a priority in our lives this year, in many unexpected ways. One of which is helping some people that are going through divorce / struggles in their marriage; which is not at ALL where I saw this year going! But it is making me so much more appreciative of my husband, and helping me to love him where he is right now, and to try and be the best wife and mom I can be.
Thanks for this post! It really got me thinking!!
After being married to a very selfish man for over 20 yrs, I disagree with the above. As a young wife, I tried to follow something similar and soon learned that no matter how much I made the night about him, it was never enough…and I was so tired!
Now, my goal is to love him, show him that I love him and make the night about our family…including our two teenage daughters!
And the Prov 31 wife…it has been reported that she had servants! I want one!!!
I think (as a wife) that a good wife is one who 1. Loves God & clings to the truths of the Bible, 2. loves and respects her husband as Paul commands us to in Ephesians.
I believe that those are solid foundations that should not be messed with. In addition, I think that God gives different wives different convictions for their husband and marriage. They are all of course Biblically based. I do things for my husband that God has made heavy on my heart that He hasn’t for other women.
But I think regardless a good wife comes down to those first two things I mentioned.