Grace – Undeserved
By Tam Hodge
Grace – getting something you don’t deserve.
Mercy – not getting something you do deserve.
Way back in 1994, when I gave birth to my first child, I struggled with wanting her. In fact, the first time I held her in my arms at the hospital I could barely look at her face. Don’t get me wrong, she was perfect. She was everything I imagined she’d be. But holding her that day I couldn’t help but think of the two babies I had aborted just 8 years earlier. The ones I didn’t want. The ones that were an inconvenience. The un-chosen. The guilt that rushed over me was so intense…at times it was hard to even breathe.
I didn’t deserve this child. And she certainly didn’t deserve me…a woman who had been so cold-hearted and selfish to end the lives of the helpless and innocent. In addition, no one else knew about the abortions. Not even my husband. So this burden, guilt, shame, pain and fear was mine alone to deal with.
Or so I thought.
I spent the next 3 weeks battling depression. I battled thoughts of not wanting my daughter. I battled urges to hurt myself. I talked myself into not leaving my new family on a daily basis.
Late one evening I exposed all these thoughts to my husband. Just the thoughts, not my two dirty little secrets. After some wise counsel I decided to hold my little girl with the intention of looking at her, determining to look at her with the eyes of a mother…whether or not I wanted to be her mother. I owed, at least, that to her. It took several minutes to muster up the strength and courage to do so – and when I did – she smiled. She smiled. Babies don’t smile at 3 weeks of age. I knew that. But looking down upon her face, it wasn’t my daughter…it was as if I was looking into the face of my God. I will never forget the words that flooded my mind. Words that rang in my ears so clearly.
Tam, you don’t deserve her. But she is my gift to you. Now be the mother she needs. I love you.
And with that…tears streamed down my face for hours. That evening was the beginning of a chain breaking cycle that would soon release the bonds that I allowed to hold me captive for far too long.
Grace…Receiving something I did not deserve. But that is the kind of God I serve. The ultimate Father who loves this child enough to forgive, extend grace and love unconditionally.
TAM (also known as @inprogress) lives in Oregon with her husband Brent (@inworship) and two wonderful children. In addition to being a rock star wife and mom, Tam is also an amazing friend whose passion for God and people encourages and inspires me. You can find Tam writing on her blog, leading worship at Table Rock Fellowship, or Tweeting on her iPhone. Occasionally you can find her on Facebook (but I wouldn’t count on it).
You can read all of the posts in the Grace Week Series here.
Nicole:
Thank you for Tam’s post. You’re right. It made me cry. What a gift to see what God makes outta what we give him. How beautiful to see another sparkle of His grace in another life.
I am so privileged to call both you ladies friends.
Dawn
nicole…i love you. thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of this. you have inspired me to dig deeper into the woman God desires for me to be…and for that – thank you is not enough.
i have a facebook account?
;)
dawn – the privilege is mine. cant wait to see you again some day!
Wonderful post, Tam! Such a fresh reminder to all of us about how wonderfully scandalous His grace is! Grace isn’t amazing when we think we have it all together and think that God had pretty good taste for saving us. It is amazing when we can allow ourselves to see our hearts as they truly are and simply believe that the Gospel is true.
Oh, my gosh! Tammy!! When I was pregnant with my three year old, Stella. (The pregnancy that was from my affair.) I remember the horror of my behavior, the self-contempt, the shame and hopelessness that shrouded my entire pregnancy. My entire pregnancy with one exception: When I went in for an ultrasound I saw her face come out of the blackness on the screen and she smiled at me. I have a picture of it. Proof. She smiled at me and I started bawling because I knew it was God.
Grace. Undeserved. and beautiful.
Thanks, Tammy!
traylor – thank you. i love viewing His grace as scandalous. to offer such a gift to us, to ME, is something i will never be able to wrap my head around. yet…i receive it. i have too. its the one thing i can hold on to! He is too good!
serena – goose bumps just flooded my entire body! and tears have filled my eyes. im seriously sitting here just shaking my head…completely overwhelmed by how good God is to us. wow. just wow…i love your story, serena.
How beautiful is His grace.
That not only are we undeserving but ill-deserving of His grace and mercy.
That the fact we were born and that we lived our lives being all out disobedient and blasphemous. We have worked hard to not receive His grace and to shun His mercy. Just in our very nature, we are, in fact, children of His wrath.
Yet, in His sovereign grace, He reaches down and goes, “You are mine. You are mine and I am yours. I have always loved you. I have always known you. We will be together beyond the end of time. Best of all, I have done everything needed to be done in order for you and I to be together.”
joseph – so powerful!
the words shared in all these comments have spoken so deeply to my heart and spirit today.
nicole – God knew id need these words…thank you.
praise God.
Wow, Now I’m a mess after reading that. Precious.
i hope its a good mess, rand ;)
One of the worst aspects of my addiction, if not the worst, is how I hurt my kids. So often I’ve taken them for granted or looked at raising them as a chore, but your post reminds me that I’ve done nothing to deserve them – or a whole lot of other stuff either. What did I do? I sinned a lot, and God provided anyway. Grace so completely does not make sense from a human point of view. Tray, I love the way you refer to it as “scandalous.” Perfect word.
beautifully written and it overwhelms me again at how big God’s love, mercy and grace for us really are…
Tam, I love you….each time i hear you talk about this my heart smiles. I have had the honour of seeing you and your daughter together and you would never know. I am standing back and amazing at God’s Grace…even if it is undeserved….He is so good!
Tam, that was beautiful. Just like you and just like Kass – and just like God’s grace! :)
your heart is so beautiful, tam. i love you so very much.
and i love seeing God’s grace so wonderfully displayed in your life.
I should have known this wouldn’t be a good post to read at the office. Or maybe it is…I’ll have to explain the tears and that can only be a good thing. God’s grace and mercy are overwhelming – thanks for sharing just how beautiful it is Tam (and Nicole!)
Tam, I love you. Thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable. I love your heart and your willingness to allow God to use you and your story. Redemption and grace overwhelm me. Thank you, friend.
Everyone, Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate you all!
jesse – i wanted so desperately to hear my mother acknowledge she hurt me, or allowed hurt to continue in my life. to see you acknowledge that blesses me beyond description right now. God bless you!
katy – bigger than we could ever imagine. truly overwhelming. and, thank you :)
lynse = “I have had the honour of seeing you and your daughter together and you would never know.” …. that is one of the beautiful results of grace…the way it covers, heals and renews. Praise God! i love you too
mary – thank you so much. love you, friend.
alece – i want you to know that this week, reading your story on your blog (everyone here…it is a MUST read!) you have given me even more courage and confidence, in Him, to continue to share. thank you! i love so, too!
david – you should know better not to read my stuff at the office ;-) love you!
nicole – thank you for opening up your blog to others this week. the subject of Grace is so beautiful. and i love how differently it has been approached so far. everyone has their own Grace story. and each one reflects Gods Love and passion for us. thanks for an outlet to share our own little piece of HIStory.
i love you, nicole…