I wrote this post for wives a few weeks ago for my XXXChurch blog but thought it was worth repeating…

I saw these stats on infidelity and thought they were interesting. Sadly, I thought that some of them looked a little low.

The section on why people have affairs really struck me. If these studies are accurate, it appears that men have affairs for physical reasons, whereas women have them for more emotional, intimacy-related reasons. The reasons for men are; 44% want sex more often and 40% want variety in their sexual partner. The three reasons listed for women are: 40% want more emotional attention, 33% want to be reassured that they’re still desirable, and 11% cheat for revenge.

As wives of men addicted to sex and/or pornography, we are susceptible to these three things. We often feel emotionally isolated, undesirable, and angry (even to the point of wanting revenge) as a result of our husbands’ addictions. These feelings can lead to fantasizing about old boyfriends, coworkers, or friends from church. The fantasies may not be sexual but more commonly are about having what we’ve idealized as the perfect relationship. What may seem like harmless, secret fantasies are actually a slippery slope to adultery.

James 1:14-15: ”But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”

Wives, we may have been hurt and we may be very, very angry, but we must always guard our hearts and walk in His righteousness.

Which of these stats do you find most shocking? What advice to you have for affair proofing your marriage?

This Sunday our pastor gave a sermon on spiritual gifts. He covered what they are, how we get them, and how important it is for each of us to use our gifts within the body of Christ. I’ve been thinking a lot about my gifting over the past few days. I think that most of us can identify which spiritual gifts we have. I’ve taken classes, have heard several teachings, and have taken a few inventories in order to figure it out, and many of you have too. But I don’t think we spend enough time thinking about the spiritual gifts we don’t have.

Due to my ministry affiliations, I get a lot of email from women who have marriages in crisis and are looking for advice. Regardless of the specifics, I always tell them these two things: Turn to God in prayer, and turn to a few other safe people (the Church) for relationship. Very few people like that advice. I think that’s because we really like to do things on our own. And we really aren’t too keen on relying on others.

Think about any message you’ve ever heard on spiritual gifting. I’m willing to wager that they were all focused on identifying your gifts so you can use them serving others both within the church body and in your larger community. If you are being asked to use our gifts to serve others, it stands to reason that others are being asked to use their gifts serving you.

Let me repeat that: The people you see every Sunday at church are being called to serve you. Will you let them?

The reality is that we were never, ever meant to live this life on our own. We were designed to live in community with other believers.

I think it’s important for us to learn what our gifts aren’t. That is where we will find our vulnerabilities and weaknesses. That is where we need others to draw alongside us if we are to live out His call in our lives. That is where we need to humble ourselves and not only allow others to see our imperfections but to serve us in them. God wants you to be served.

My primary spiritual gifts are exhortation, teaching, and leadership.

I am equally ungifted in other areas. I need people around me who are strong in the areas of adminstration (seriously, I’m a train wreck), discernment, faith, prayer, wisdom, and helps. I know that it would be very dangerous for me not to have people strong in these giftings speaking into my life on a regular basis.

And if any of you have the gift of miricales give me a call. I’d love you be your friend! ;)

How about you? Where are you gifted? Where are you ungifted?

I can’t believe that I’m still catching up on current events from when I was on my blog break! Well, this story really struck my fancy since I’m the mom of a teenage girl, I had her when I was a teenager, and I love MTV’s reality show, Teen Mom.

Anyway, this story flew under the radar, so if you missed it here’s the gist: the popular retailer Forever 21 announced that they are launching a maternity line both online and in a select number of their retail locations. If you’re unfamiliar, Forever 21 is best known for their inexpensive, trendy, youthful fashions. They are also less notably known as a Christian-owned organization who have chosen to represent their owners’ Christian beliefs by printing John 3:16 on the bottom of their shopping bags à la In-and-Out Burger.

The accusation made by many (both Christian and secular) is that Forever 21 is promoting teen pregnancy by adding a maternity line. These are the same types of accusations that have been made about shows like Teen Mom and movies like Juno, which some believe glamorize teen pregnancy. For the record, I can’t imagine that these detractors have ever seen either of those. Teen Mom makes teen parenting look absolutely miserable (not to mention featuring a young couple who chose adoption) and Juno was one of the best movies ever.

Here are my three thoughts after reading this coverage:

1. Who said only teenagers shop at Forever 21? I know plenty of women in their 20′s who shop there.
2. What’s so bad about wanting inexpensive maternity wear? Maternity clothes are expensive!!! Everyone deserves a break on cute, cheap maternity clothes (yes, even pregnant teens – they have to shop somewhere).
3. Most importantly, how does selling maternity fashions (or having a reality show on teen pregnancy) promote teen parenting? Shouldn’t we be more concerned about PREVENTING teen pregnancy? Does it matter where pregnant women (adults and teens alike) buy their clothes? I say no.

What do you think about this?

Is Forever 21 promoting teen pregnancy? Is this irresponsible for a reportedly Christian organization?

Last week I saw I piece on CNN.com about police in Albuquerque meeting an arriving Southwest flight at the gate after the flight crew notified law enforcement about a woman allegedly slapping her 13-month-old daughter. Basically, the baby was fussy, and the mom was witnessed slapping the child with an open hand once in the face and repeatedly on the legs in an attempt to get her to stop crying. During the “incident” the father and mother were fighting over the mother’s continued yelling at the baby. And to top it all off, the baby reportedly had a black eye, which the parents later told police was the result of a dog bite.

Southwest Airlines took some heat for this incident because the flight attendant reportedly took the infant from the parents. She did return the child before the family deplaned. Police interviewed the family upon arrival and released them after determining that there were no signs of abuse. According to the police report the mom slapped the baby because the baby kicked her first. Seriously. When asked if she felt it was OK to hit her child, the mom nodded her head yes and responded, “She’s my daughter.”

I think the entire story is crazy. Even crazier were the 2,500+ comments on the post and another 1,000 on Facebook. Not surprisingly there were loads of comments that cited some variety of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Since the Bible was brought up repeatedly, I figured I’d pose the question here. Do you think that spanking is a biblical means of child rearing? If so, where do you draw the line?

I’ll go first…

I do not believe in spanking as an acceptable type of discipline ever. Never. We don’t spank, never have, and never will. I believe that the four verses in Proverbs that reference “the rod” and child rearing are four of the most misused, misrepresented verses in the Bible (shepherds used the rod to guide and protect not to hit their sheep).

When I was a practicing counselor, my last job was working with children who were victims of sexual abuse or violent crimes, or who were witnesses to murder. I’ve seen many children hit in the the name of discipline. I’ve seen the black and blue bodies of children who died at the hands of abusive parents. I know that the majority of us would never take spanking that far, but those images will stay with me forever, and they make it very difficult for me to see this issue in shades of gray.

I should also note that our nonspanked children are all very, very well behaved :)

How do you feel about spanking? Is it appropriate, even biblical, discipline?

While I was on my blog break I read something about Christian women having lap dancing lessons at their bachelorette parties or bridal showers. I’m assuming that these aren’t the ladies’ tea type showers held in church basements. Anyway, the deal is that women getting together to have fun, to learn about feeling more sensual in their own skins, and to focus on performing exclusively for their husbands is a good thing. Maybe even a Godly thing.

Pole dancing has become the new exercise class du jour at many health clubs. I’ve heard of pole dancing lessons as a bridal party bonding activity too. I won’t be signing up, mainly because I’m way too out of shape to hop up on a pole. Plus, the see-through shoes scare me. But if I were limber enough to get myself into an upside-down split, would I want to? Would it be good for me, my husband, or our marriage? Would God approve?

I’ve honestly never thought about it before. I’m curious, what are your thoughts?

Is it OK for Christian women to take lap/pole dancing lessons?

While I was on my blog break, I got together with my friends Kate and Kendra to watch the season finale of The Bachelorette (Team Roberto all the way!). This show is so cheesy, but I love it. I posted on Facebook and Twitter that we were watching the show. Shortly after, I received an email from someone who was shocked that I speak out against pornography, yet I watch The Bachelorette. This emailer went on to tell me that The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are both porn.

My first thought was: If this is porn, it is THE WORST porn ever.

My second thought was that if The Bachelorette is classified as porn, then the mostly naked Dancing With the Stars is in MAJOR trouble.

How do you define pornography? Is it subjective?When do TV or movies cross the line for you?

While I was on my blog break, the California Federal Appeals court struck down Prop 8, making same sex marriage legal (more on that later). I’ll save me thoughts on Prop 8 for a later discussion. Until then I have to point out an observation that I had as I watched through the coverage of this story: No matter what stance you take (I’m pro marriage equality, for the record), you can’t deny that gay protesters are WAY better at making signs than Christian protesters.

Here’s the proof:

Standard issue Christian protest signs…

Anti-Prop 8 and gay equality protest signs…

And my personal favorite…

Where do you stand on the Prop 8 debate?

What’s your position on Christian protesters? Is it a good or bad witness?

While I was on my blog hiatus, there were several news stories that I was dying to blog about! Montana Fishburne and her sex tape topped the list. Oh, Montana. Really?

The famous, now infamous, daughter of actor Lawrence Fishburne shocked everyone (including her Oscar-nominated father) with news that she was releasing the first adult video in what she hoped would be a series with Vivid Entertainment. Why? She was impressed with the way Kim Kardashian’s sex tape (which was leaked without her knowledge) launched her career, and she hoped hers would follow suit.

Seriously, can the child of Lawrence Fishburne feel she needs Vivid to help launch her career? Isn’t her father connected enough?

In follow-up interviews, Montana reveals that she began having a passionate desire to become a porn star when she was 16 and that she made her first home movie at 18. And her Twitter feed has been hopping with tweets such as:

Aw this little 13 year old girl came up to me talking about I’m her favorite celebrity and she is going to make a sex-tape when she turns 18

And…

It’s too late fools. Me and @ihatekatstacks are the next generation’s ROLE MODELS. You had your chance and decided to go to college smh hoes

I think it’s really easy to dismiss her comment about being a role model as craziness (and who is this 13-year-old girl!? Where is her mother!?). But really I have to wonder if this is what we’re coming to. Do today’s young ladies really want to be Kim and Paris because of their sex tapes? Does reality TV really have to cover shows about Playmates, the messed up family on Pretty Wild, or toddler pageant queens (and yes, they do belong on this list IMO)? Does it really have to be this difficult to find a skirt that covers my 7-year-old’s entire backside?

Here’s what I know for sure… our young girls need frequent, candid conversations about sex with adult women they can trust. The “sex” and “porn” talk isn’t just for boys anymore.

Am I just getting old, or is this out of control? What responsibility do we have as a church to model appropriateness to our young girls?

I wanted to announce a speaking date that I have coming up on September 25th in the Detroit area. Join me and Crystal Renaud, Executive Director of Dirty Girls Ministries, as we discuss God, sex, sin, and the power of community. If you’re in the Detroit area we would love for you to join us! More info and registration HERE. (The cost is only $15!!)

We’ll also be joined by our friends at Covenant Eyes who will be offering some Christian based solutions for internet safety, accountability, and filtering.

If you’re wondering what Convergence is, here is some info from the website:

When the deepest and most relevant issues of life become the elephant in the “church room,” people suffer in silence, feel alone, and entertain sin. Yet this was never Jesus’ plan for his people. Rather, Jesus has called Christians to journey with one another as we center our lives on Him.

Whether directly or indirectly, sexual sin has impacted your life or the life of someone you know. Drawing from their own personal testimonies, Nicole Wick and Crystal Renaud will share their stories of Christ’s victory in their lives, as well as how an environment of honesty, compassion, and love creates an atmosphere for support and healing.

Obviously this event is designed for women who have a history of sexual sin or abuse, or for wives who have a husband who has struggled with sexual sin. If that isn’t you, I bet you’re wondering if this conference is for you. Here is a brief list of other people that I think should attend this event:

• Women who are married
• Women who hope to someday be married
• Women who parent small children
• Women who parent teen children
• Women who parent adult children
• Women who have internet access in their homes
• Women who have (or whose husbands have) internet access at their jobs
• Women who own a television (especially cable television)
• Women who have any of the following delivered to them or their husband: Playboy, Penthouse, Victoria’s Secret catalog, Maxim, the Target Sunday circular, the JCPenny catalog, Sports Illustrated…
• Women who have a smart phone or iPhone
• Women who have a husband or child that owns a smart phone or iPhone
• Women who are involved in a church, small group, or women’s ministry, and as a result may encounter other women who need support in this area
• Women who are involved in youth or children’s ministry and may encounter teens or pre-teens struggling in this area
• Women who have friend, family member, or co worker who may be struggling with a secret sexual sin personally or in their marriage

If you fit one or more of these, you should seriously consider attending Convergence. I hope to see you there!

I’m honored to be facilitating a workshop at this years Idea Camp in Las Vegas. This year’s conference topic is sex. Here is the general topic info from the conference website:

In a culture formed and broken by tainted views of human sexuality, what should followers of Christ embody?

Join us for a fresh, honest and transformative conversation with leading thinkers on topics including sexual identity, orientation, abuse, gender perceptions, porn, marriage, family, prostitution, and slavery.

The issues related to human sexuality are too often misunderstood, ignored, or avoided in far too many churches. The Idea Camp will facilitate a safe and transparent environment of learning, sharing of insights from the respective fields of focus, and practical insights and examples of holistic care.

Let’s see sexuality for what it was meant to be.

I love that. I love that we are planning a gathering where we can come together as the body of Christ and have conversations about sex and sexuality within a Christ-centered framework. I love that we are going to talk about things that affect the body of Christ in deep, meaningful ways, yet are often ignored (or at the very least misunderstood) in many church circles.

I’ll be leading a workshop that pulls wisdom and hope from the scriptures as well as my personal experience sorting through sexual struggles (the good, the bad, and the churchy) within the church community. My hope is that this workshop will provide an opportunity for church leaders and idea makers to discuss ways that the church can support members who struggle with sexual sin, or the temptation of sexual sin, without shame and condemnation. My hope is that our discussion will help us better understand how to build a church community grounded in the principles of confession, community, repentance, and hope.

If you would like to particiate in this year’s Idea Camp you can register HERE. Use the cupon code ICFRIEND for 10% off your conference registration.

Here’s where I need your help. I’m putting the finishing touches on my workshop and would love your input and ideas. (After all, it’s Idea Camp, right!?)

What is one aspect of healing communities and/or redemption from sexual sin that this workshop MUST address?

If you have ever struggled with sexual sin (or know someone who has), what is the one thing that your church did well or that you wish your church had done?

Oh. My. Word….

I haven’t written here in weeks. It’s been a trip, folks. A messy, wild trip. About three weeks ago, I was sideswiped by all kinds of craziness in my life. Nothing earth-shattering or devastating, just a million little distractions and “situations” that made things, well, complicated. Before I go any further, let me just say that I’m fine. No worries. But for the past few weeks, I have been swept away in the busyness. And in the process I achieved some record high burnout. Seriously, I haven’t felt this level of burnout in years.

During what I will now lovingly refer to as “the great meltdown of 2010,” I needed to focus all the energy on had on family, work, and some speaking gigs that I have on the calender. That meant that Twitter, Facebook, most of my personal email, and the blog (my baby) had to go. I thought about  posting that I was going on sabbatical, but I didn’t want the temptation to write more. I needed to keep first things first.

I am finally starting to feel like myself again. Most of the life stressors that had built up have been addressed, sorted through, and reordered, and for the most part life is back to normal. Praise God! Several of you have been praying for me. If that’s you, thank you so much! God is good. And faithful. So, after a few weeks off and a lot of time spent in prayer and meditation, I’m back. It feels good… I’ve missed you all!

Even though I haven’t been blogging I have been taking notes on all kinds of newsworthy things that I’ve wanted to write about over the last week or two so there will be some good stuff coming up this week. :) Also, I’ll post Your Best Blog Now over the weekend because I haven’t visited your blogs in the last few weeks either.

Now for good news…

As I pushed myself to refocus, I spent a lot of time praying, listening to worship music, singing, and thinking about the things of God. During one of those times I was reminded of an old Hallmark gift book called God is Everywhere that my Aunt Peg had when I was a little girl. I loved that book. I loved the mustard yellow, textured cover. I loved the Precious Moments-like illustrations. I loved the subtle reminders that God lives everywhere that we live. You can find him in churches, in fields of flowers, in soft breezes, and in sunny afternoons. Over the past few weeks I found God living in the quiet moments, lovingly reminding me that I need to slow down, take rest, breathe deep, and enjoy him.

For a moment I thought that God was being silent. Then I remembered that God is everywhere and that when I am being still, when I acknowledge that He is God, he will reveal himself in the quiet spaces of my life.

God is Everywhere was published in 1968 and has been out of print for years. My Aunt Peg let me have her copy when I was about six years old, and I cherished it. I lost is somewhere along the way. I was so excited when I googled it today and found it on Amazon for $0.02! Yay me!!!

Have you experienced burnout? How do you deal with burnout?

P.S. If you emailed me in the past three weeks I got it and will get back to you soon. Promise!

I shared this earlier today on Twitter in response to a popular post on Jesus Needs New PR that features a video of Mark Driscoll giving his manly man = Godly man mantra:

@PastorMark irritates me. This is exactly why.

That tweet was followed by six or seven replies from others reminding me that Mark is my brother (I know, so is Jerry Falwell), that Mark effectively communicates the Gospel, and other assorted tweets about the awesomeness that is Mark Driscoll. Then I tweeted this:

Lesson from Twitter: Generally speaking it’s ok to disagree w/ Bell, ok to totally dislike Olsteen, NOT ok to have an issue w/Driscoll.

I think that assessment is fairly true. I’ve never pretended to be a fan of Mark Driscoll, and I doubt I ever will be. There are plenty of other high-profile pastors that I disagree with, like Joel Olsteen, yet no one runs to his defense or reminds me that he’s my brother (which he is, I think). Not to mention the fact that I have read countless blog posts and tweets warning against the evils of Rob Bell (whom I happen to love). Why is that?

Is it ok to only disagree with certain pastors? I even had someone once suggest that I should not disagree with any pastors… which is ridiculous, of course. My question is: what makes one pastor fair game and not another?

Do you think we’ve created Christian heroes and villains?

P.S. Jesse suggested that my photo header looked like some sort of twisted, modern day Hebrews 11 hall of fame. I love it!

The CNN religion blog is doing a survey about praying before meals. And of course, as soon as saying grace is mentioned I think of this crazy scene from Talladega Nights ( a movie that I have never seen, by the way). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here it is in edited form for sensitive ears…

This brings up lots of questions for me… Do you pray before meals? Do you do it all the time, including in restaurants, or only when it feels right? Do you pray before all meals and snacks or only some? Why do you (or don’t you) say grace? Is Talladega Nights as stupid as it looks?

I’ll be honest, we have never been big on saying grace as a family. I’m not really sure why. I guess it has always felt a little stiff and scripted to me. I suppose we should do it more.

How about you, do you pray before meals?

Earlier in the year I had the opportunity to sit with Francois Driessen for a documentary he is directing about pornography called Scratching the Surface. The film is a series of interviews that explore the effects of pornography on the church. You can find more information and see raw cuts of the interviews on the Scratching the Surface website.

I just found out that my friend Crystal’s interview is now available (mine will be up later this year). I’m honored to serve on the board of directors for her non-profit, Dirty Girls Ministries. More than that I’m honored to be her friend. We talk a lot on this blog about being real and sharing our stories. I think this clip of Crystal sharing about her struggle with porn addiction is the epitome of what being real means. Yeah, I love this girl.

If you are interested in getting real and hearing more of my and Crystal’s stories, she and I will be speaking together in the Detroit area on September 25 (more details to come) and in Las Vegas at the Idea Camp on September 27 and 28. We would love to see you at either event!

Crystal Renaud from Scratching the Surface on Vimeo.

Do you think that the church is getting real about porn? What other issues does the church need to get real about?

I have a few cool things going on that I thought were worth sharing…

I’m guest posting for my friend Jason Boyett.

Yay, me! Jason’s book, “Oh Me of Little Faith” is available and a must read. The book takes a refreshing, honest look at our doubts and our faith. Plus the cover art? Fantastic :)

Anyway, Jason asked me if I would mind sharing some of my thoughts on faith and doubt over at his place. Of course I’m honored. You can read my guest post, “The Worst Breakup Ever” on his blog today.

I’m Facilitating at Idea Camp//Sex in Las Vegas

Yay, me again! This isn’t actually new news but the Idea Camp//Sex website launched today so I feel like it’s officially official. I can’t wait for this conference. Not only will I get to speak about porn, there will be many others (all way cooler than me) there to discuss sex, sexuality, and the church. GOOD STUFF!

Head over to the new site and look around. The confirmed facilitator list is great. I would love if you could join us there!

And last but not least…

I have a weekend with zero scheduled plans.

Yay, me <underscore and highlight>!! With three kids this is a rare, noteworthy thing. I intend to either get a lot of writing or a lot of napping done. I haven’t quite decided yet.

What is number one thing you hope to accomplish this weekend?